Control Freak

Name one way for me, as a control freak, to break my cycle of control.

Something small, and not crazy.

Because it’s hard for me to not try to control situations I know I can control.

Something Held In

He said I was desperate.

In so many words, worse than just coming out and saying it, one of my best friends called me desperate. It hurt, I was shocked and angry about it. I wanted to slap him in the face and cry, not because he hurt me but because of the truth of it. I sat there holding my hands asking myself when, ever, has he lied to me? He's one of my best friends, never.

And there in lies the beautiful pain of it all. The whole love hate relationship that I have going on with myself, my soul, my body.

I've never let go of my control over a situation. The truth is that's what has to happen here. I have to let it go. I have to release the reigns and run this into the ground and fall on my face and watch the flames rise around me and step from them like a phoenix.

Maybe that's what this was, my emotional flames engulfing me, and the fact that I held my hands and didn't slap him was me tied to that pole burning and feeling the glorious fire eat me alive and make me this new human.

This new woman who will be honest with what she is, to herself, if not anyone else.

I've used the things that have happened to me as a crutch for too long and I've allowed things to happen because I was to tired to fight them. I've used my circumstances as an excuse to not be a normal full human, I've not only let others hold me back, more importantly I've held myself back. I'm a follower that way.

Maybe the tears in my eyes are like the waterfall of a cleansing flood, they'll wash over me and take the ashes of the fire from this weekend away.

It's NOT Like I Saw This Coming.

A year ago had you asked me if I'd lose 100 pounds, I'd have looked at you like your nuts. However, I've gone and done just that. It is insane. It is literally insane to think that it's been a year and a half of dancing and just not eating when I'm bored, and I've lost, basically a person. I'm so proud of myself but I know that it's not just me. God has blessed me in this way that I finally look the way that I've always felt on the inside... Is that weird to say? I mean I've always thought that I had something different than "fat" written on the inside of me, like the way that people judge you when they first look at you. Like "bubbly" was my word that was really on the inside but all that people could really see was "fat."

I'm cautious however now... I've lost weight before and I gained it back. I'm NOT doing that... whatever I have to do (aside from starving, because I love food too much, and becoming bulimic, because barfing is gross) to stay this way is what I'm going to do.

I'm still a little flustered and getting used to the attention that I get now. When I was younger I used to get frustrated because everyone always thought my sister was so pretty and so fun, and she would get so much attention, not just from guys, but from everyone and I was always shy and awkward, and chubby (and you know that anytime you say chubby the added notion is that you're ugly, because when you're chubby you're generally not happy with you, and you probably think you're not so hot, I know I did). My dad would say "she's getting attention, yes, but it's not all positive, and you don't want that kind of attention."

And he's right.

There's positive attention and negative attention. There's the guy that looks at you and honestly thinks you're pretty and would probably date you and then there's the guy who looks at you like you're just another notch on his bedpost (and don't get me wrong guys, girls look at you that way too...). There's people who like you and people who don't. People who have good intentions and those with bad.

However, I don't know which is which yet. I'm so set in my thinking that no one is thinking about me or looking at me or even paying attention to me, that I'm literally shocked when people come up to me that I've never even seen before in my life and know my name. I don't know that the guy who is telling me I'm a very beautiful woman is decent... though I will say he's probably not cause my "B.S. I wanna get laid" detector is on most of the time...

100 is a lot of pounds. If I could only have shed my insecurities the way that I shed those pounds, maybe I would be able to tell the good attention from the bad attention and be able to be more aware of myself in a more secure way, instead of the insecure way I know that I am aware of myself in.

Then again, maybe it's those insecurities that ground me and make me human... I'm confident, but not cocky because I do have my insecurities... I just thank God for this time and change in my life, and I know there's more to come, I'm just waiting for it... I've been in line for this roller coaster ride for a while now, I'm ready for it to come and take me away.

Love for my Body

About a year ago I saw a contest online for Body by Victoria's Secret, it asked people to describe what they loved about their body, and then whichever essay won, the writer would win a trip to NYC and a bunch of Vickie's Secret stuff... well I didn't enter that contest, and this post isn't to say that I won anything. In fact, I never even entered that contest. I did think about what I'd write however, and though I didn't write it then, I figure since I feel so gross right now, that I keep thinking I hate my body, it might be a pick me up to write about what I do like.

Consider this step one in my "recovery" process.

My body never ceases to amaze me. I've lost almost 100 pounds, and though I don't know quite exactly how it happened, it did. My body moves in ways that I don't even understand half the time and I don't think I'll ever NOT be shocked as to what comes next. My body has changed and reshaped itself in the last year so much so that most people who haven't seen me in that long question whether I'm the same person at all. My body shields me, protects me. Most of the time my body is the only thing I have. It sends off languages that even I don't understand or rightly interpret half the time, which if it weren't for my body's ability to kick some but and send off the right signal at the right time, could end badly. My body is strong, and able to endure the pressure that I put it under and take the abuse of dancing for hours on end. Mostly, I love that one day, though I hate to admit even wanting it, my body will do the seemingly impossible and create another human being, of course with the help of a guy (who's body has yet to be seen, but, Dear God, if I have any say in the matter please let him look like Joe Manganiello!)...

All in all I am happy with my body, what it has become, and I need to remind myself that I do indeed like myself, that I like my body. Maybe that will help me overcome the things I don't like, or at least help me to change them.

If...

If you're looking for a reason to hate me, I've got one for you: I'm the moodiest person you'll probably ever meet. I hate it when people ignore me (side effect of getting all the attention as an only child growing up), and when they do I tend to write them off. Sane? Maybe not completely, but what's the point in being around people who don't think you're worth it to even respond to you?

If you're wondering what I'm about, which you're probably not, cause I'm one of those people who can just say what's on their mind and get away with it, then stop wondering and just ask me a question.

My life seems to revolve around if's because I always am saying "if this... if that... if if if." I'm so stinking tired of if. I hate life right now. I hate that I'm a huge sucker. I hate that I'm the kind of person who will say I'm not going to date for a year and work on myself, get 6 months through the year and not know what the heck I was even doing in the first place saying I wouldn't date. It's like I'm daring fate to do the opposite of what I claim I want it to do. You know how people always say "when you don't want something that's when it shows up," maybe I was just trying to dare fate to send "him" my way... whoever "he" is.

And so I sit here 6 months into this whole not dating thing knowing EXACTLY why I won't/can't date anyone right now. There are a few reasons, so let's just make a list mmmmkay here goes:

A) I'm afraid of intimacy. Maybe it's the whole coming from a divorced family, maybe it's that I've never put my heart out there fully, but I DO know that the second I start to feel close to someone I start to question that and question anything and everything about that person. Basically running away...

B) I'm not ready to talk about my weight loss. This is such a HUGE part of who I am, and I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of the looks that people give me when they find out just HOW MUCH I've lost, and I don't like the subtle difference in the way they treat me after they do find out. It's like they feel sorry for me. Maybe this is an after affect from telling a guy I was talking to on eHarmony about it, and then never hearing from that guy again... Forcing me to think I need to be ashamed about it. If someone I haven't seen in a long time notices, I'm fine with that, but talking to completely new people in my life about it isn't something I'm comfortable with yet and to be honest I don't know when I will be.

C) My faith in Christ is at an all time low. I see him working in other's lives, answering my prayers that were I guess what you could call "low priority" to me, before answering the ones I thought were more "pressing." That's how God works I get it, it just stings that the prayers that get answered aren't prayers having anything to do with me, but friends and friends of friends. I realize the fact that I call a prayer "low priority" is stupid, and childish, and selfish, so don't judge me there, I'm already judging myself. I guess I just wish He'd get around to answering some of mine...

D) I don't trust anyone. Let's just leave it at, it seems like every time I start to trust someone I wind up hurt.

I'm done.

So Long to Too Long

It's been awhile, and you know what? That's perfectly okay. I'm sitting here with about a thousand things rolling through my head, and the one that keeps popping out is that I just want to move on already. Like I've been a fly stuck to fly paper for the last three years, and now, I just want to detach and escape and move the heck on.

This past weekend I went to my cousin's wedding in Texas, the bridesmaids were kind of flipping out about their makeup, so I helped them with their makeup. After that pretty much everyone in my life was sitting there telling me that I need to find out how to become a full time makeup artist, because I could make so much money at it. Well the problem is after looking into a few of those programs, that I would have to go to school from 8:30 to 4 (not bad relatively speaking) Monday through Friday (there's the bad part) for a semester, and I personally don't want to think about how much that costs... I didn't even look into that... So now I think I'm going to try to look into getting a job at the MAC counter somewhere? I don't know, but I know that I love makeup and helping people look beautiful and feel better about themselves... I know that makeup can't solve the worlds problems with self image, but if for one night I can help a young woman (or an older woman) feel better about themselves, then I'll feel good... Beauty is from the inside, I like pulling it out of people.

Other than that I'm kind of over trying to meet people who are worth my time, in the dating sense. It really feels like there's just something wrong with me. Like somehow this whole "experiment" I'm trying is just turning out to be a big let down that's turning into a self-pity fest on my part because I'm not getting the desired results (which would be men knocking each other over for a chance to take me to dinner... yeah I'm a dreamer... just kidding... no really.) But to say the least it's disappointing when I look in the mirror at the changes I've been through, and I still have never been on a date or had a boyfriend. Yet I get the comments that "Oh, I bet you're dating now that you've lost all this weight." Well no, I'm not, but thanks for telling me that you basically think that because I was heavier, you thought I was unlovable, un-dateable, etc.

Next Chapter please, I'm kind of over this one.

The Man & The Stars

I hate "The Man."

The man is what gets you down. I've been a "Damn the Man" kind of girl ever since I finished watching Empire Records for the first time.

Now I'm getting screwed by "The Man."

Anti-Establishment lil' ol' me is getting royally screwed by "The Man."

If this were a year ago, "The Man" would be okay with me. "The Man" who basically got us into this whole financial mess of an economy (and I'm not talking singular person, or president for that matter, I'm talking the establishment) is now saying I, who has a steady income, has a couple problems in her past can't get financed, because supposedly that income isn't enough. Ok... But a year ago, this wouldn't have happened... A year ago, "The Man" was still ok with bad credit... hell I know someone who has a BANKRUPTCY and could still get financed a year ago. Now "The Man" is holding back... something he should have done a looooonnnngggg time ago... then we as a nation wouldn't be here... I'm not asking for a loan I can't pay back... I'm totally within reason what I'm asking for, hoping for, praying for, but because "The Man" gave so many people who COULDN'T pay the loans before, I'm now getting royally screwed. Thanks.

In other news, I've found I don't much care about anything except this at the moment.

What's funny is today I was reading some astrological book that described the relationships between the various signs... Like for me I was reading Scorpio Woman & Cancer, Libra, Aquarius, Taurus, etc. Man... interesting in and of itself... Apparently as a Scorpio woman I'm intriguing, sexy, very emotionally deep, and either a woman who is somewhat of a mystery to men and therefore they find me irresistible, or I'm a woman who causes them to figure their crap out, or my personal favorite, teaches them a thing or two in bed. HAHAHAHA!!! I think my favorite description of a Scorpio Woman was that I was called "the Madame Currie of the zodiac" meaning I will dig deep and research this guy out until I completely understand him. What's funny is I do that anyways... haha! I like to know how people tick. But it was kind of daunting to think that I'm SUPPOSED to be sexy, and I'm not... O'well...