When your friend calls you and she says, "I've met the man I'm going to marry," you kind of go, if only I could be saying that. Is it funny? no. I find it good.
I know where I am at in my life, and I know that that, right now does not include a boy/manfriend. And while I have many friends that are boys (they in fact out number the number of girls that are my friends) none of them seem to be interested in me for more than my brains. It's good and bad at the same time... I wish that at least one that was "viable" for me to date, felt in some way the same way.
Does that even make sense?
If it does not, I am deeply sorry. Remember this is just about me.
But how can my life be such a cunundrum? I mean I go from having this extreme crush on this guy, who I hardly know, but see and have this instant attraction to and then spend the next year and a half obsessing over all the while he is unaware. Finally giving that one up was like being put on detox from a strong drug addiction. I mean thinking of him was like endorphins running through my blood making me happy. And now, the flow is gone. Nothing is good when it becomes an obsession like that. I seriously doubt that anything will ever come of that guy and I, much like I seriously doubt anything will ever come of me and well... pretty much any guy. And going from extreme crush to nothing, no feeling, no number one, no one on the list of "I would like to date them" is sucky. I feel like I have resigned myself to being the girl who stays single but makes something with her life or whatever.
I call myself Medusa, but it is not because I think I am ugly. It is because I feel like my personality is so stonelike, and untouchable, people can't look at me because I will turn them to stone also. The impenetrable walls that I build and the ones you try to tear down. I just keep building them, brick by brick, layer it with the mortar that sours the soul, and keeps me no company whatsoever. I have lost that contact. My sanity is gone, and as I build you try to crumble, but my pride is strong, and I've found that being built up and impenetrable like stone hurts a lot less than giving your soul away to someone who could break my heart.
Where is the one with the fists of steel that will be able to tear this Berlin Wall across my heart down? 30 feet thick with barbed wire around and a moat of gators for those that attempt to get in, the shoot down doesn't hurt as bad as it could if I let them in and they saw all the vulnerable pieces of me.
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