Declares the LORD.
I believe this. Yet, I'm trying to control it.
At times like these, where it's late, my mind is tired, and I'm struggling to think, and I have many thoughts in my head, it becomes easy to question the next part of the verse. "Plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." It becomes so easy when I wonder, how in the midst of this will I EVER prosper, I'm in debt up to my ears with student loans, and where is this future? WHAT is this future?
Yes, God knows... often, I feel like that isn't enough. Like I need to know where I'm going. It sounds so faithless, so cold, so cruel, out there like that, but it's how I feel, even if I know it's not right, that it is enough for God to know and me to not know.
So how do I move on with this? How in the world, does my faith get stronger when I question what God is doing, and question whether He does know best? Plain and simple, it doesn't. My faith, it's so central to who I am, yet I falter at it. I question the founder of my faith, and I wonder how things can get better when I don't see clear direction, even though I'm seeking it. If it's there, am I just ignoring it? Lord, clear my thoughts, and make your thoughts for me known to me.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
The Thoughts I Have for You...
I have a lot of thoughts. Many of which, don't get made much of. Most of which wind up in a journal that gets tossed in a corner with all the other journals that are full of thoughts that no longer need to be thought because, well plainly, I'm no longer sixteen. I haven't been sixteen for a long time.
I was in the garage today going through an old dresser and found a box full of notes from friends that were tied to flowers, that have long since died, given to me at my high school performances whether it be choir or all those times they put me in the chorus. I found a letter that I wrote in that box that is addressed to my future husband. I was 18 when I wrote it. The sad part is, I thought by now a man would have read this, that I wouldn't be sitting here, almost 24 wondering what my path in life is. Wondering what God is doing now that will manifest itself down the road, and when I finally get there, all of this, the waiting, the lonlieness, the quiet, will all make sense. It's almost like the calm before the storm, a little, not much, but a little.
Back to my letter.
It made me feel like I was going to cry (something I told myself a year ago I would not do much of because I hate feeling like I'm wallowing in self-pity over this), but I laugh at how often I say I don't know this man. How oblivious I am to his existence, stating often, IF he exists.
God is good. This I know.
In other less "emotional" thoughts...
Tonight at church, they launched a week of awakening, a week in which they called the church body to pray for direction within the church, and also their lives. Todd Proctor, the lead pastor at RockHarbor talked about it a lot tonight, and something he said really sparked something within me. He was talking about how RockHarbor has so many young people that attend, and that my generation really makes a difference in the congregation, and the community. It rang with things that I've been thinking for a week. Things about my generation, and what God wants to do within our ranks to reach our parents' generation, and how we should lead when once our parents are no longer in power. I keep thinking about what it's going to look like when there are so many believers that assume power, not by seeking it out but by having it fall in their laps (scared to death that one day I might be one of them). I think about how we all respond to things in our culture, especially politics. I think about how you can't seperate your faith from politics if you're looking through Jesus' eyes and using His Word as your guide. How there is really no one single party that represents ideals that I find important. I wonder how we can call ourselves Christian and exclude and tear down people different from us. How people generally view Christians as closed minded and hypocritical. I could go on and on, but I'll just point you to the book UnChristian, which I've read part of, but loved what I've read (I just couldn't finish it because when I got it I had just finished 15 units of all political science classes and that book felt like yet another school book... I suck... yes, I know). I just think how much more my generation was meant for than being obsessed with ourselves like the generation of our parents. I want to reject everything that our parent's generation stands for and go my own way. I want to go the way of God.
I have so much more to say, and I will say it... I just need to let it simmer in my skull for a bit and make it a bit more logical, less emotional, because what I want to say could change a lot. It might be like sitting down and writing an opinion piece that comes straight from my heart, or looking up a bunch of facts and figures and writing something that looks like a paper for school, but still has heart and truth and the idea that Jesus has more for my generation, more for me than the mediocrity that I'm in right now. God will be brought the glory, God will be praised, and God will lead us to what He has for us. I can't wait.
I was in the garage today going through an old dresser and found a box full of notes from friends that were tied to flowers, that have long since died, given to me at my high school performances whether it be choir or all those times they put me in the chorus. I found a letter that I wrote in that box that is addressed to my future husband. I was 18 when I wrote it. The sad part is, I thought by now a man would have read this, that I wouldn't be sitting here, almost 24 wondering what my path in life is. Wondering what God is doing now that will manifest itself down the road, and when I finally get there, all of this, the waiting, the lonlieness, the quiet, will all make sense. It's almost like the calm before the storm, a little, not much, but a little.
Back to my letter.
It made me feel like I was going to cry (something I told myself a year ago I would not do much of because I hate feeling like I'm wallowing in self-pity over this), but I laugh at how often I say I don't know this man. How oblivious I am to his existence, stating often, IF he exists.
God is good. This I know.
In other less "emotional" thoughts...
Tonight at church, they launched a week of awakening, a week in which they called the church body to pray for direction within the church, and also their lives. Todd Proctor, the lead pastor at RockHarbor talked about it a lot tonight, and something he said really sparked something within me. He was talking about how RockHarbor has so many young people that attend, and that my generation really makes a difference in the congregation, and the community. It rang with things that I've been thinking for a week. Things about my generation, and what God wants to do within our ranks to reach our parents' generation, and how we should lead when once our parents are no longer in power. I keep thinking about what it's going to look like when there are so many believers that assume power, not by seeking it out but by having it fall in their laps (scared to death that one day I might be one of them). I think about how we all respond to things in our culture, especially politics. I think about how you can't seperate your faith from politics if you're looking through Jesus' eyes and using His Word as your guide. How there is really no one single party that represents ideals that I find important. I wonder how we can call ourselves Christian and exclude and tear down people different from us. How people generally view Christians as closed minded and hypocritical. I could go on and on, but I'll just point you to the book UnChristian, which I've read part of, but loved what I've read (I just couldn't finish it because when I got it I had just finished 15 units of all political science classes and that book felt like yet another school book... I suck... yes, I know). I just think how much more my generation was meant for than being obsessed with ourselves like the generation of our parents. I want to reject everything that our parent's generation stands for and go my own way. I want to go the way of God.
I have so much more to say, and I will say it... I just need to let it simmer in my skull for a bit and make it a bit more logical, less emotional, because what I want to say could change a lot. It might be like sitting down and writing an opinion piece that comes straight from my heart, or looking up a bunch of facts and figures and writing something that looks like a paper for school, but still has heart and truth and the idea that Jesus has more for my generation, more for me than the mediocrity that I'm in right now. God will be brought the glory, God will be praised, and God will lead us to what He has for us. I can't wait.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
the wheels turn, still nothing happens.
I've come to this point in my life where I'll be sitting there, and I'll get an idea. Not a crappy idea, not an okay idea, but a GREAT idea. So I will sit there, and I'll think about it for a while, and then I'll forget about it. The smart thing to do would be to carry around a notebook and pen everywhere I go. Of course, I do, it's just that it never seems to be near whenever I actually have an idea come to me.
I feel pathetic.
I feel lazy.
I feel like I'm not doing something I should be doing, and yet, I feel like I'm waiting and that's the best thing that I can do right now. Like waiting is more important than moving on. Like waiting is the best thing I can do to keep my sanity.
Then again, maybe I'm just scared.
If I change one thing, doesn't everything thereafter change?
Why does it feel so hard? It feels like there is nothing more I can do. Like there is nothing more to my life than this... that's how it feels that's not how it is. What if I'm just too scared. Where is this going? What am I going to do in the future?
I keep reminding myself, don't worry, that God will take care of me... I can't see past my own fears... I know he's going to. I know that something will happen, I know that it's got to change.
Do I get another job? Do I go back to school? Do I look for a job? Do I go do temp work? What to do!?
I don't care about money, I don't care about status, I don't care about anything but bringing Glory to God, blessing Him because He blessed me so greatly, but I don't know how to do that.
The guy who spoke at church this week was talking about Galations 1:16 when Paul says "so that I might preach him among the Gentiles..." And he asked us how we would finish that statement... "So that I might..." and I thought about it. I couldn't come up with anything. I don't know what I might do for Him... God has blessed me with gifts and talents, he has given me specific skills that I will use one day, but half the journey to using those is knowing what they are, and knowing how to use them. I have no idea how God wants me to use my talents/gifts/strengths...
I ramble, but it's true. How can you be used when you don't know how to be used.
You want to know something crazy? I've always looked up to women like Nancy Reagan, Laura Bush, Elizabeth Dole, Hillary Clinton, and many other women who have the power to change things and do even if only a little at a time, or as small as teaching a young kid to read or changing the world as big as being the first "viable" female candidate for President in the United States. I look up to Margaret Thatcher, because she was strong and determined. I can't remember her name, but the Prime Minister of Israel in the 1970's... she was a stron woman. Even now, this Sarah Palin, I admire her because she is a mom, she is a woman, and she wants to change things... Help people and change things. I always wanted to be a woman that people could look up to, if only to ignite change in this flawed world, if only to help bring to light, and into people's conciousness what else is going on out there. I'm helpless to know how I could become that, but I hope that someday I can be that.
Someday, I hope to not feel stuck, I hope to not feel like I'm not doing anything to change the lives of people around me, and I hope that maybe this rambling will come back to me when I'm older and I'll look at it and laugh because all I wanted finally happened... But for now, I must remember to trust God, and look to Him... I can't go on without him...
I feel pathetic.
I feel lazy.
I feel like I'm not doing something I should be doing, and yet, I feel like I'm waiting and that's the best thing that I can do right now. Like waiting is more important than moving on. Like waiting is the best thing I can do to keep my sanity.
Then again, maybe I'm just scared.
If I change one thing, doesn't everything thereafter change?
Why does it feel so hard? It feels like there is nothing more I can do. Like there is nothing more to my life than this... that's how it feels that's not how it is. What if I'm just too scared. Where is this going? What am I going to do in the future?
I keep reminding myself, don't worry, that God will take care of me... I can't see past my own fears... I know he's going to. I know that something will happen, I know that it's got to change.
Do I get another job? Do I go back to school? Do I look for a job? Do I go do temp work? What to do!?
I don't care about money, I don't care about status, I don't care about anything but bringing Glory to God, blessing Him because He blessed me so greatly, but I don't know how to do that.
The guy who spoke at church this week was talking about Galations 1:16 when Paul says "so that I might preach him among the Gentiles..." And he asked us how we would finish that statement... "So that I might..." and I thought about it. I couldn't come up with anything. I don't know what I might do for Him... God has blessed me with gifts and talents, he has given me specific skills that I will use one day, but half the journey to using those is knowing what they are, and knowing how to use them. I have no idea how God wants me to use my talents/gifts/strengths...
I ramble, but it's true. How can you be used when you don't know how to be used.
You want to know something crazy? I've always looked up to women like Nancy Reagan, Laura Bush, Elizabeth Dole, Hillary Clinton, and many other women who have the power to change things and do even if only a little at a time, or as small as teaching a young kid to read or changing the world as big as being the first "viable" female candidate for President in the United States. I look up to Margaret Thatcher, because she was strong and determined. I can't remember her name, but the Prime Minister of Israel in the 1970's... she was a stron woman. Even now, this Sarah Palin, I admire her because she is a mom, she is a woman, and she wants to change things... Help people and change things. I always wanted to be a woman that people could look up to, if only to ignite change in this flawed world, if only to help bring to light, and into people's conciousness what else is going on out there. I'm helpless to know how I could become that, but I hope that someday I can be that.
Someday, I hope to not feel stuck, I hope to not feel like I'm not doing anything to change the lives of people around me, and I hope that maybe this rambling will come back to me when I'm older and I'll look at it and laugh because all I wanted finally happened... But for now, I must remember to trust God, and look to Him... I can't go on without him...
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Life Lessons...
I feel like I'm perpetually stuck. Not stuck in the bad sense of the word, but stuck in the way that nothing ever seems to actually sink into my thick skull.
For the five millionth time, I'm reminded about what should be more important in my life, and the words of the song "I'm sorry Lord, for the thing I've made it," have never meant more than they do now. It's good. It's sucky. It's what my life is. For once I feel like maybe this time it'll seep into my semi-porus skull this time around.
The last time I remember feeling like this, I decided it was better for me to turn and run, to become something that I never thought of as a bad thing because I never saw the pain that came with the kind of life I decided to lead, I only saw the fun, the intrigue, and never (or perhaps, I was just blind to it because I thought I was always in more pain) seeing the pain that came with the facade of happiness that the life I'd chosen created.
I know I can't turn and run this time because if I do I'll just wind up here again within a certain matter of time, and I would so much rather face this head on than go back again. I'd rather be in pain for a bit and the be completely happy than live in pain of forcing myself to appear happy.
I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. It's what I always talk about, and I think here for once, I'm actually going to tell you about the struggle with love, that has been raging in my life.
It sounds completely innocent, I want to fall in love, I want to know what it feels like to look at someone and know they feel the same way that you do about them. I want to know that there is someone I'd do anything for, and who would do anything for me. I've been thinking about this for as long as I can remember, even though for a majority of my adult life, I've denied the fact that I wanted this, or at least tried (unsuccessfully) to convince myself and everyone else around me that I wanted nothing to do with it, and then BAM! The days after I finally decide to own up to the fact that that's what I really want, the same realization dawns on me... I've already got Love.
You who read this know that I'm a Christian, I've been told I'm crazy for my beliefs, told that I'm judgemental, condescending, and I'm really sorry if I've ever made you feel that way, I never meant to be that way, I don't think I'm better than anyone, in fact, there are so many more people who are better than me because with this they bear so much more grace than I do.
So I already have Love, a perfect Love. There is a difference between Love, and love. Love is God - love, is man.
I've been telling myself for so long that I couldn't live if I had to be single for the rest of my life, I couldn't do it, unless God were there holding me up, helping me to breathe through the pain of watching my friends fall in love, and enjoy love, and be in love. I must stress the point that there is also the fact that those same friends who have love, also have Love. They are in Love, more than they are in love.
So why the problem with love/Love? I know to have love, Love must be all, Love must come before all, and you must love, Love more than love. (Confusing?)
It became a sin. I wanted love, more than Love. So I sit here perfectly content knowing that the next few years of my life I have to learn to live for Love, and love Love - the best that I can, in my imperfect human way. Knowing that it's going to take years and not months, because of that skull of mine. Knowing I'll be okay because I'll have God holding me up, building my faith stronger than ever before because I will finally be leaning on Him the way He always intended me to.
The hardest part is learning to not hope for love. Giving up something imperfect should be easy right? Wrong, so completely wrong. When it's all you've been holding onto for years, it's hard when it gets litterally ripped from your fingers in an instant and you have to stand clutching onto the seat back in front of you while tears blur everything around you and make you cry in public, and no matter how much you try to stop, the tears just keep falling, silently thank God, but still falling.
So I'm damaged goods, in about a thousand pieces right now, but He's there with his Superglue, putting me back together, like Humpty Dumpty just fell off that blasted wall. (I don't know about you, but Humpty Dumpty was kind of a wanker, so I guess, I'm one too...)
I hope though, that the day where I can say, I love God, more than love here on earth is sooner than I think it will be, but I know what a slow learner I am. Love, God's Love, is all I need, all that can help me, and I know that even if I had love, I'd be unhappy, it wouldn't fill me the way Love does, or can. So I go on... Broken and holding onto Love, actually, I think Love is holding me...
For the five millionth time, I'm reminded about what should be more important in my life, and the words of the song "I'm sorry Lord, for the thing I've made it," have never meant more than they do now. It's good. It's sucky. It's what my life is. For once I feel like maybe this time it'll seep into my semi-porus skull this time around.
The last time I remember feeling like this, I decided it was better for me to turn and run, to become something that I never thought of as a bad thing because I never saw the pain that came with the kind of life I decided to lead, I only saw the fun, the intrigue, and never (or perhaps, I was just blind to it because I thought I was always in more pain) seeing the pain that came with the facade of happiness that the life I'd chosen created.
I know I can't turn and run this time because if I do I'll just wind up here again within a certain matter of time, and I would so much rather face this head on than go back again. I'd rather be in pain for a bit and the be completely happy than live in pain of forcing myself to appear happy.
I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. It's what I always talk about, and I think here for once, I'm actually going to tell you about the struggle with love, that has been raging in my life.
It sounds completely innocent, I want to fall in love, I want to know what it feels like to look at someone and know they feel the same way that you do about them. I want to know that there is someone I'd do anything for, and who would do anything for me. I've been thinking about this for as long as I can remember, even though for a majority of my adult life, I've denied the fact that I wanted this, or at least tried (unsuccessfully) to convince myself and everyone else around me that I wanted nothing to do with it, and then BAM! The days after I finally decide to own up to the fact that that's what I really want, the same realization dawns on me... I've already got Love.
You who read this know that I'm a Christian, I've been told I'm crazy for my beliefs, told that I'm judgemental, condescending, and I'm really sorry if I've ever made you feel that way, I never meant to be that way, I don't think I'm better than anyone, in fact, there are so many more people who are better than me because with this they bear so much more grace than I do.
So I already have Love, a perfect Love. There is a difference between Love, and love. Love is God - love, is man.
I've been telling myself for so long that I couldn't live if I had to be single for the rest of my life, I couldn't do it, unless God were there holding me up, helping me to breathe through the pain of watching my friends fall in love, and enjoy love, and be in love. I must stress the point that there is also the fact that those same friends who have love, also have Love. They are in Love, more than they are in love.
So why the problem with love/Love? I know to have love, Love must be all, Love must come before all, and you must love, Love more than love. (Confusing?)
It became a sin. I wanted love, more than Love. So I sit here perfectly content knowing that the next few years of my life I have to learn to live for Love, and love Love - the best that I can, in my imperfect human way. Knowing that it's going to take years and not months, because of that skull of mine. Knowing I'll be okay because I'll have God holding me up, building my faith stronger than ever before because I will finally be leaning on Him the way He always intended me to.
The hardest part is learning to not hope for love. Giving up something imperfect should be easy right? Wrong, so completely wrong. When it's all you've been holding onto for years, it's hard when it gets litterally ripped from your fingers in an instant and you have to stand clutching onto the seat back in front of you while tears blur everything around you and make you cry in public, and no matter how much you try to stop, the tears just keep falling, silently thank God, but still falling.
So I'm damaged goods, in about a thousand pieces right now, but He's there with his Superglue, putting me back together, like Humpty Dumpty just fell off that blasted wall. (I don't know about you, but Humpty Dumpty was kind of a wanker, so I guess, I'm one too...)
I hope though, that the day where I can say, I love God, more than love here on earth is sooner than I think it will be, but I know what a slow learner I am. Love, God's Love, is all I need, all that can help me, and I know that even if I had love, I'd be unhappy, it wouldn't fill me the way Love does, or can. So I go on... Broken and holding onto Love, actually, I think Love is holding me...
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Soo...
It's been a while since I decided to do anything here, and I really haven't been picking up the camera lately, mostly because I've been busy, or too dang down and out to take pictures... which is weird... Yesterday, I got to spend the day with my friend Sarah down at my favorite beach, I'll post some of the funny pictures later... hopefully the photo uploader thingy will be working then...
As for tonight, it's my dad's campaign kick-off fundraiser... should be interesting.
As for tonight, it's my dad's campaign kick-off fundraiser... should be interesting.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Day 4
Hello.
soooooooo... Last night I went to the second night of missional photography, and was quite pleased, but distracted... all those people taking pictures in class, not my style... anywho, learned some more. I'm not sure that I'm really doing so great in the class... I need to take another bus trip. I really want to have a portrait to show next time... I need to start talking to people, but I think that right now, I'm going to have to just deal with shooting stuff like this, but it's frustrating, cause I love to capture emotions... and trees don't have emotions.
this looks a lot like one of Jen's images, and I'd like to think that imitation is the greatest form of flattery... but I don't know that she feels the same. haha, anyways, I liked it, so I posted it.
soooooooo... Last night I went to the second night of missional photography, and was quite pleased, but distracted... all those people taking pictures in class, not my style... anywho, learned some more. I'm not sure that I'm really doing so great in the class... I need to take another bus trip. I really want to have a portrait to show next time... I need to start talking to people, but I think that right now, I'm going to have to just deal with shooting stuff like this, but it's frustrating, cause I love to capture emotions... and trees don't have emotions.
this looks a lot like one of Jen's images, and I'd like to think that imitation is the greatest form of flattery... but I don't know that she feels the same. haha, anyways, I liked it, so I posted it.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Day 2
So here are some pictures from what I would call my attempt at shooting the 100 pictures a day for the Missional Photography class. They want a picture of someone... that will be hard for me to get unless I meet up with Becca.
So here's some of them, they're done with my point & shoot, mostly on a macro setting, I think they turned out interesting.
Enjoy,
L
So here's some of them, they're done with my point & shoot, mostly on a macro setting, I think they turned out interesting.
Enjoy,
L
official Day #1 of photo blog.
So this I guess is my first "real entry... I've written on here before, but now it's official... it's a photo blog.
I thought I'd post some pics from LA with Jen, cause those are my latest best pics... I've been using my Point and Shoot a lot for the pics for the Missional Photography class Jen and I are taking, but they're not so good... most of them... waiting to get my hands on Ter's DSLR. woo!
Enjoy these!
L
I thought I'd post some pics from LA with Jen, cause those are my latest best pics... I've been using my Point and Shoot a lot for the pics for the Missional Photography class Jen and I are taking, but they're not so good... most of them... waiting to get my hands on Ter's DSLR. woo!
Enjoy these!
L
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