I have a lot of thoughts. Many of which, don't get made much of. Most of which wind up in a journal that gets tossed in a corner with all the other journals that are full of thoughts that no longer need to be thought because, well plainly, I'm no longer sixteen. I haven't been sixteen for a long time.
I was in the garage today going through an old dresser and found a box full of notes from friends that were tied to flowers, that have long since died, given to me at my high school performances whether it be choir or all those times they put me in the chorus. I found a letter that I wrote in that box that is addressed to my future husband. I was 18 when I wrote it. The sad part is, I thought by now a man would have read this, that I wouldn't be sitting here, almost 24 wondering what my path in life is. Wondering what God is doing now that will manifest itself down the road, and when I finally get there, all of this, the waiting, the lonlieness, the quiet, will all make sense. It's almost like the calm before the storm, a little, not much, but a little.
Back to my letter.
It made me feel like I was going to cry (something I told myself a year ago I would not do much of because I hate feeling like I'm wallowing in self-pity over this), but I laugh at how often I say I don't know this man. How oblivious I am to his existence, stating often, IF he exists.
God is good. This I know.
In other less "emotional" thoughts...
Tonight at church, they launched a week of awakening, a week in which they called the church body to pray for direction within the church, and also their lives. Todd Proctor, the lead pastor at RockHarbor talked about it a lot tonight, and something he said really sparked something within me. He was talking about how RockHarbor has so many young people that attend, and that my generation really makes a difference in the congregation, and the community. It rang with things that I've been thinking for a week. Things about my generation, and what God wants to do within our ranks to reach our parents' generation, and how we should lead when once our parents are no longer in power. I keep thinking about what it's going to look like when there are so many believers that assume power, not by seeking it out but by having it fall in their laps (scared to death that one day I might be one of them). I think about how we all respond to things in our culture, especially politics. I think about how you can't seperate your faith from politics if you're looking through Jesus' eyes and using His Word as your guide. How there is really no one single party that represents ideals that I find important. I wonder how we can call ourselves Christian and exclude and tear down people different from us. How people generally view Christians as closed minded and hypocritical. I could go on and on, but I'll just point you to the book UnChristian, which I've read part of, but loved what I've read (I just couldn't finish it because when I got it I had just finished 15 units of all political science classes and that book felt like yet another school book... I suck... yes, I know). I just think how much more my generation was meant for than being obsessed with ourselves like the generation of our parents. I want to reject everything that our parent's generation stands for and go my own way. I want to go the way of God.
I have so much more to say, and I will say it... I just need to let it simmer in my skull for a bit and make it a bit more logical, less emotional, because what I want to say could change a lot. It might be like sitting down and writing an opinion piece that comes straight from my heart, or looking up a bunch of facts and figures and writing something that looks like a paper for school, but still has heart and truth and the idea that Jesus has more for my generation, more for me than the mediocrity that I'm in right now. God will be brought the glory, God will be praised, and God will lead us to what He has for us. I can't wait.
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