I've come to this point in my life where I'll be sitting there, and I'll get an idea. Not a crappy idea, not an okay idea, but a GREAT idea. So I will sit there, and I'll think about it for a while, and then I'll forget about it. The smart thing to do would be to carry around a notebook and pen everywhere I go. Of course, I do, it's just that it never seems to be near whenever I actually have an idea come to me.
I feel pathetic.
I feel lazy.
I feel like I'm not doing something I should be doing, and yet, I feel like I'm waiting and that's the best thing that I can do right now. Like waiting is more important than moving on. Like waiting is the best thing I can do to keep my sanity.
Then again, maybe I'm just scared.
If I change one thing, doesn't everything thereafter change?
Why does it feel so hard? It feels like there is nothing more I can do. Like there is nothing more to my life than this... that's how it feels that's not how it is. What if I'm just too scared. Where is this going? What am I going to do in the future?
I keep reminding myself, don't worry, that God will take care of me... I can't see past my own fears... I know he's going to. I know that something will happen, I know that it's got to change.
Do I get another job? Do I go back to school? Do I look for a job? Do I go do temp work? What to do!?
I don't care about money, I don't care about status, I don't care about anything but bringing Glory to God, blessing Him because He blessed me so greatly, but I don't know how to do that.
The guy who spoke at church this week was talking about Galations 1:16 when Paul says "so that I might preach him among the Gentiles..." And he asked us how we would finish that statement... "So that I might..." and I thought about it. I couldn't come up with anything. I don't know what I might do for Him... God has blessed me with gifts and talents, he has given me specific skills that I will use one day, but half the journey to using those is knowing what they are, and knowing how to use them. I have no idea how God wants me to use my talents/gifts/strengths...
I ramble, but it's true. How can you be used when you don't know how to be used.
You want to know something crazy? I've always looked up to women like Nancy Reagan, Laura Bush, Elizabeth Dole, Hillary Clinton, and many other women who have the power to change things and do even if only a little at a time, or as small as teaching a young kid to read or changing the world as big as being the first "viable" female candidate for President in the United States. I look up to Margaret Thatcher, because she was strong and determined. I can't remember her name, but the Prime Minister of Israel in the 1970's... she was a stron woman. Even now, this Sarah Palin, I admire her because she is a mom, she is a woman, and she wants to change things... Help people and change things. I always wanted to be a woman that people could look up to, if only to ignite change in this flawed world, if only to help bring to light, and into people's conciousness what else is going on out there. I'm helpless to know how I could become that, but I hope that someday I can be that.
Someday, I hope to not feel stuck, I hope to not feel like I'm not doing anything to change the lives of people around me, and I hope that maybe this rambling will come back to me when I'm older and I'll look at it and laugh because all I wanted finally happened... But for now, I must remember to trust God, and look to Him... I can't go on without him...
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