Life Lessons...

I feel like I'm perpetually stuck. Not stuck in the bad sense of the word, but stuck in the way that nothing ever seems to actually sink into my thick skull.

For the five millionth time, I'm reminded about what should be more important in my life, and the words of the song "I'm sorry Lord, for the thing I've made it," have never meant more than they do now. It's good. It's sucky. It's what my life is. For once I feel like maybe this time it'll seep into my semi-porus skull this time around.

The last time I remember feeling like this, I decided it was better for me to turn and run, to become something that I never thought of as a bad thing because I never saw the pain that came with the kind of life I decided to lead, I only saw the fun, the intrigue, and never (or perhaps, I was just blind to it because I thought I was always in more pain) seeing the pain that came with the facade of happiness that the life I'd chosen created.

I know I can't turn and run this time because if I do I'll just wind up here again within a certain matter of time, and I would so much rather face this head on than go back again. I'd rather be in pain for a bit and the be completely happy than live in pain of forcing myself to appear happy.

I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. It's what I always talk about, and I think here for once, I'm actually going to tell you about the struggle with love, that has been raging in my life.

It sounds completely innocent, I want to fall in love, I want to know what it feels like to look at someone and know they feel the same way that you do about them. I want to know that there is someone I'd do anything for, and who would do anything for me. I've been thinking about this for as long as I can remember, even though for a majority of my adult life, I've denied the fact that I wanted this, or at least tried (unsuccessfully) to convince myself and everyone else around me that I wanted nothing to do with it, and then BAM! The days after I finally decide to own up to the fact that that's what I really want, the same realization dawns on me... I've already got Love.

You who read this know that I'm a Christian, I've been told I'm crazy for my beliefs, told that I'm judgemental, condescending, and I'm really sorry if I've ever made you feel that way, I never meant to be that way, I don't think I'm better than anyone, in fact, there are so many more people who are better than me because with this they bear so much more grace than I do.

So I already have Love, a perfect Love. There is a difference between Love, and love. Love is God - love, is man.

I've been telling myself for so long that I couldn't live if I had to be single for the rest of my life, I couldn't do it, unless God were there holding me up, helping me to breathe through the pain of watching my friends fall in love, and enjoy love, and be in love. I must stress the point that there is also the fact that those same friends who have love, also have Love. They are in Love, more than they are in love.

So why the problem with love/Love? I know to have love, Love must be all, Love must come before all, and you must love, Love more than love. (Confusing?)

It became a sin. I wanted love, more than Love. So I sit here perfectly content knowing that the next few years of my life I have to learn to live for Love, and love Love - the best that I can, in my imperfect human way. Knowing that it's going to take years and not months, because of that skull of mine. Knowing I'll be okay because I'll have God holding me up, building my faith stronger than ever before because I will finally be leaning on Him the way He always intended me to.

The hardest part is learning to not hope for love. Giving up something imperfect should be easy right? Wrong, so completely wrong. When it's all you've been holding onto for years, it's hard when it gets litterally ripped from your fingers in an instant and you have to stand clutching onto the seat back in front of you while tears blur everything around you and make you cry in public, and no matter how much you try to stop, the tears just keep falling, silently thank God, but still falling.

So I'm damaged goods, in about a thousand pieces right now, but He's there with his Superglue, putting me back together, like Humpty Dumpty just fell off that blasted wall. (I don't know about you, but Humpty Dumpty was kind of a wanker, so I guess, I'm one too...)

I hope though, that the day where I can say, I love God, more than love here on earth is sooner than I think it will be, but I know what a slow learner I am. Love, God's Love, is all I need, all that can help me, and I know that even if I had love, I'd be unhappy, it wouldn't fill me the way Love does, or can. So I go on... Broken and holding onto Love, actually, I think Love is holding me...