Who am I becoming?

This week has been so insanely and emotionally draining. Considering I'm technically on my "weekend" since I work Friday through Tuesday.

So it begins with me finally talking to a guy that I liked about something that's been on my shoulders for a while, and we part still friends and then something happens that makes me question that, then I got angry that what happened happened, and my cousin got even all carried away in her anger and did something really stupid.

I can't take this back, but I'm hoping and praying that my friendship with him isn't ruined.

I'm not the kind of person to be vengeful, and I'm definitely a drama hater, but this is just riddled with drama and I"m right at the center of it. I hate that I've caused this person hurt, by either my words or actions.

I don't know how this is going to get fixed. It hurts. Really bad, what he did, what I did... I HATE it. I hate that somewhere out there he's thinking bad things about me that I did this to really hurt him.

Fully not expecting anything, ever. It seems as though now is when all I want to do is write this out. Write about how every single stinking time he smiled at me, I got flipping butterflies in my stomach. Or how my hands never felt so safe as they felt in his hands... well save for my dad's. Write about how it seems to keep on going that there are things about him that are so insanely rare to find in a guy... Write about how when I was 17 I wrote about a man who has qualities such as loving peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, loving kids, loving his family, is kind of a mama's boy, but has the heart of a servant, and is diligent, and a hard worker... The weirdest part of all is that he looks like this guy I dreamt about when I was 13 and then wrote about again when I was 17 - tall, dark hair, light eyes, nice chin (who just writes about chins? apparently I do, because I'm just that weird). When you're 17 and you're writing about the man you want to marry, it's hard to think that the simple things that you would appreciate could ever be there in a man... and then you meet a guy who keeps peeling back the layers of himself and you find yet another thing that is just eerily creepily like the man you always thought you'd marry, but yet, you know this guy's not the one for you... You just know to your soul that he's not, he's just your friend, and you try as hard as you can to convince yourself that that's all he is, despite the fact that everyone keeps commenting on how there seems to be something between the two of you, asking you what's going on, and the worst part of all he SEEMS to be into you, when you're around him, and then you're not around him, and you don't know why he ignores you half the time... but then there are those few rare moments when you're talking to him, and it's just you and him, and you're wondering why he's telling just you this... why you're the only two in on the conversation... That bubble... that bubble is so scary, cause you go into it as a friend, and your mind gets all twisted up and squeezed out the other end in a big ball of "what the hell just happened?" And the same round of questions start all over again: "Anything interesting happen? What were you two talking about, you were both so into it. Are you dating? Is that your husband?" How can what people say not matter at all, but mean so much?

So without expecting anything, I feel like I am just here... left hoping for a friendship that I hoped would always maybe possibly someday be more had the two people just met at a different time under different circumstances...

I'm just so ready to meet someone that actually wants me. I've met so many who don't for their various reasons, and I'm tired of being scared of facing what I want, because I deserve it. There's so much going on right now in my head that I'm spastic.

I'm physically tired from being so emotional.

I was reading something I wrote on my facebook wall that says something to the effect of "I don't like drama." Yet here I sit, in the midst of it, seemingly the cause of it. Drama of my own making that I seem to have dragged everyone into, and feel like the creator of this high school environment, and I hate it... I want this to be over, I want to talk... Even if I don't like what he has to say.