I wrote a song...

It's not that good, but it's how I feel...

There was a time in my life, where I felt exactly like I do right now, like I'm so fed up with living the way I know is right, I'm praying, I'm turning to God's word, and there is still this pain, this longing that won't go away, no matter how much I remind myself He loves me and has a plan and a purpose for me. No matter how I turn to Him in praise, in petitions, I feel like He has turned a deaf ear to me.

And right now, in the midst of my defeat, when I feel like He is ignoring me the most, I know that going down the road I did before is NOT the answer, so I boldly place my fears and my tears before Him (and to help knock down another of my walls, before you), and I say I know You're the only way out of this, God, but that doesn't change that this is how I feel right now. I REFUSE to become the girl I was before... I REFUSE to drink my pain away again like I did before. I will take the lesson from my past mistake and take the much more painful, but in the end much more rewarding road of turning to You instead of turning to myself, and my means and dumbing down the pain with partying, drinking, and meaningless kisses.

But again... don't judge this please... And those who know how far I've come since I was here before please pray for strength to deal with the pain that comes with chosing His way.

(and this might sound retarded, but in my head this song is Evanescence meets Paramore meets Alison Krause in "Whiskey Lullaby")

Numb it down
I don't wanna hurt this way
Cuz feeling like this
can suck the life right out
of a girl who wants
so much more
than used up words
broken promises and
pain.

I wanna drink it away
blow away the pain
with a blast from a bottle
that will make me feel "normal"
but I know that goin' down that road
won't cure this
pain

Desensitize
I don't wanna think anymore
about what I'm missing
but it's all a lie
and the spears come out
and pierce my heart
and cause so much
pain

I wanna drink it away
blow away the pain
with a blast from a bottle
that will make me feel "normal"
but I know that goin' down that road
won't cure this pain

I've been there before,
and I came right back
I won't be filled,
nothing I've tried can cure it

and I've lost all hope and
considered going back
but here's the thing
I know that won't help
God, You're the only cure to this
pain.