Irrational Fears

I have this fear that I'm going to die alone.

I'm 24, I've never been in a relationship... I'm deathly afraid I never will be.

Scared to death that the gift of singleness is my greatest gift...

I think I'm pretty normal. I may tend to put my heart out on my sleeve a bit too much, and say the wrong thing at the wrong time, to the wrong person, but other than that, I'd say I'm kinda average.

The fear of dying alone... is it so irrational? I mean look at me and tell me I'm not crazy. I seem to always get the wrong idea when it comes to this...

On the one hand, I feel like if I just have that much more faith, if I just truly believe that God is gonna do it without doubting it'll happen, it'll one day happen. Everyone says it'll happen when you least expect it. Everyone says that when you're happy with yourself, you can find what you're looking for. Others say, God will bless those who are faithful.

I stopped expecting anything a while ago... I'm pretty freaking happy with myself, I've lost 46 pounds, and I feel amazing! I also feel like my faith has trippled in the last year, I KNOW God works miracles...

But still I've sat here and struggled with this issue, and I'm trying to be patient... I've been here, praying and thinking so much about how MUCH it just DOESN'T matter... I think I've written at least a hundred pages asking God for a provision of His patience, and I keep telling myself, reminding myself, that it will happen in God's timing...

I've even been proven wrong. I always baffled at God, that the kind of man I have prayed for for so long didn't exist, that he was no where to be found, and then He goes and proves me wrong...
when I least expected it...
and then reminds me it's not time yet...

I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING, "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?" at the top of my lungs into the night, at the waxing moon... into the clouds that I just wish would open up and rain down on me...

"RELENT, O LORD! HOW LONG WILL IT BE? HAVE COMPASSION ON YOUR SERVANTS." (Psalm 90:13)

I pray this, I pray this with the knowledge that your testing will only make me stronger. But I pray for you to relent. I am stretched and I know you won't give me more than I can handle, but I am at the breaking point. I as for the desires of my heart and I pray in Your Mercy and Compassion you would grant me them. I ask how long it will be because I have been waiting for some sign that this trial, while a gift, of singleness would be over because most of the time it feels like torture. God, I pray that wherever my future husband is, whoever he may be, that you'd watch over him and hold him. I pray you'd introduce us soon. God I pray that he loves You! Oh that he's so in love with YOU! I pray for the strength to wait, because it's so hard!