so "He's Just Not That Into You." it's a good book, and I'm fearing it's totally true in my case. However I seem to want to refuse this logic. I seem to want to just hope for the best. I'm getting nowhere, and getting nothing. It's like this insane montage of all the moments we've shared together is rolling before my eyes, and I'm trying to analyze all of them, to see if there is something I missed. I really want to just tell him... just flat out tell him, and hope for the best. Does God test vulnerability? Because if He does, I'm pretty sure, this is one of His tests.
when all the frustration is stripped away, I know that there is a heart that only longs to worship Him. I know this. In my heart, I want to seek Him first... I want to be okay on my own, and I feel really guilty everytime I ask Him to bring a man into my life. I know that there are so many things He is trying to teach me right now, and I know patience is one of the ongoing ones. I feel so ready to move past this time in my life defined by my singleness. However, here I am, here I sit, half the time feeling more alone than ever because I know what I want and don't have it. so I let the tears fall, and they come like a storm cloud covering a sunny day, sad and beautiful, and cleansing.
I think the worst part, is I have confidence. I know I'm not ugly, I know I'm not stupid, I know I'm not one of the annoying girls, and I'm not so high maintenence that it's a pain in the rear. I don't understand why a guy wouldn't want to be with me. I mean, not to sound cocky, not to sound like a witch, but I mean I think I'm pretty special and I'm sure God does too, so I ask why, with how great I am, and how great God thinks I am, am I still alone? A year ago I would have said that I'm still alone because God wants me all to himself, and I'm sure partially that's right, but sitting from my perspective, I see that I've asked God to take this desire to be loved by a man away, that if that's not the plan he's got for me, to just take it away. Yet it simmers cooly on the back burner most of the time, and recently with this wonderful (I say that dripping with sarcasm, because it's not so wonderful liking someone who doesn't like you back) crush I've got, it's been on the front burners, on high... boiling away, and making me crazy!
I feel like before, when I had my stupid school girl crush, a) it was based soley on looks, and b) I knew it wouldn't go anywhere... but most importantly, c) when I finally found out he didn't feel the same way, it helped a lot... it helped me to just forget it... it helped me to just put it past me and move on. Here and now, I feel like the only way I'm going to find out anything is if I move, and I don't think that's ideal here... I want to be pursued!!! I want him to want me, and as I say that, I feel like that's never going to happen...
Lord, open my eyes, and help me to see You. I pray for the man I will marry, I pray I will meet him soon... I'm getting so sick of being alone.
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