Things I Actually Write About in a Journal.

Here we go. If you were ever wondering what it is that I write about in my journal that I carry around with me, pretty much everywhere I go, this is an ideal time to look into it. Most people assume that with me, it's more like a diary and probably filled with a lot of "Dear Diary, today was a banner day, not once did I have bad thoughts..." or whatever you would think is "girly." Instead I generally opt for the fleshing out of ideas and the relating of what I think on certain topics. Yes, there is also the thinking too much about things that people say and do to me, but for the most part, my favorite journal entries go into what I'm thinking about on things that are around me.

So here it goes, this was actually written in a journal of mine, and it's worthy of blogging. I hope someone will read this and either open a debate with me about it or have something to say about it. I think that's one of the reasons that I generally would rather journal, because most of the time when I would like feedback on a blog I've posted, I don't get it. So my theory is that I'd rather just keep my thoughts to myself since no one is responding.

Ok start now.

I was talking to a couple of friends the other day about relationships and it got me to thinking about what a blessing it is that I've never been in one myself (as much as I've complained about it in the past). I've gotten to observe all the messed up things that women do when they're in one and also the jacked up things that guys do. Don't get me wrong there's also a fair share of sweet and totally romantic things that I've witnessed also, but this is the exception not the rule.

When it comes to relationships it truly seems like everyone is fighting to have the upper hand and from what I've seen they're all just jacking themselves up further. I used to think that if I were just in a relationship, then I'd be happy; if I just had someone to cuddle up and watch movies on a lazy Sunday afternoon, I'd be happy; but after years of watching girls define themselves (and consequently lose themselves) by the relationships they're in I finally came to a FULL understanding of the fact that NO relationship - platonic or otherwise can ever really define you, or better, help you find out who you really are. I've watched friends of mine who entered into relationships and changed who they were and what they did for the guy, and they disappeared, rarely to be seen or heard from. The first time it happened I was livid, now it just seems like that's what happens. Why does it seem like we have to lose ourselves to be in a relationship? I understand compromise but giving up something you love because the other person doesn't enjoy it as much as you do? I think that's utterly ridiculous.

My theory then is this: If you go into a relationship not knowing who you are on your own - out of the relationship - chances are you are going to wind up defining yourself by that relationship, and then if/when that relationship ends, you'll lose yourself.

This is why I'm so grateful for the time I've got to observe and the time I've had to observe the relationships around me. I know who I am and what I want in a relationship. Granted the independence I've found during this time could be detrimental to a relationship but my hope would be understanding through communication. In any relationship it's important, but especially if you're feeling smothered or neglected - and other varying less extreme emotions that can cause frustration in a relationship. I guess that's all that you can really hope for though - someone who can understand where it is that you're coming from and understand and know enough when to ask questions if they perceive something is wrong. Know you don't know everything and always remember the subtle signals NEVER work or are ever going to get someone's attention or alert them. You either tell them exactly the problem, or live with it.

I would love to put my theory about me knowing who I am and what I want in a relationship to a test, but that would mean actually being IN a relationship, and why mess with a good thing when it's going? I'm finally at a comfortable place where I've got boys to flirt with that I don't have feelings for, and not a single man on the horizon worth the time and effort of starting a relationship. Being single, I am happy and thriving, I mean I can spend hours by myself either doing something or nothing and I'm fine. Of course I still love being around a ton of people, because I'm a social animal and thrive off of human interaction and watching human interaction (who doesn't love going somewhere and people watching?!), but I revel in my alone time when I get it too.

I'm glad that right now, with the promise I made myself and a few other people about not dating this year, that I've got the time to get to know myself better and just really question where it is that I'm going. I have vague ideas of what I WANT my life to look like, but I don't have any plans in place to get to that place. For the last seven years, since I started working at CVS basically, my life has felt like it's been in the same stasis, despite most of the time being in school, or working two jobs. I feel like right now, this year, something has to change there or I'm just going to stay put forever, and for me that is NOT an option. I was thinking this morning about actors, writers, musicians, singers, etc. people who have a passion for what they do, and I was thinking how amazing it must feel to wake up in the morning and go do something you love to do, instead of waking up and doing something you are either just good at, or something you have to do. I want to do something I love for the rest of my life. I love people and I love helping people, I want to find a job helping people, problem is there aren't many of those out there. I think what I'd really love however is collaborating with someone on ideas to start a charity or just how to give back to people who really need it. I was telling a friend about how my dream if I had a million dollars would be to invest my money wisely, pay off all debt, sell the unnecessary items that are clogging up my life, and live and work in a place where my work helps, even if I have to move around like a gypsy. I just want to use my life to make a difference, and working for almost a decade at a drugstore in suburban California, is NOT the way to do it. My ideas are so much bigger than the footprint my life is leaving at the moment, and I want my life to look more like my ideas than what it is at the moment.