Enjoy the Silence

"All I ever wanted All I ever needed Is here in my arms Words are very unnecessary They can only do harm..."

...and right about here is where the music takes over, like a sound swelling in my head, taking over my body. I like it when the music takes over. The pain is less. It's like a wave over my body... crashing and making no noise. No words to explain that I'm feeling so very tired and hurt. So unloved or cared for.

I wish I could talk in songs, or just relate every song to a moment in my life. I feel so much pain right now. I am not suicidal or even crazy, but the other night I was thinking if I cut myself, it might not hurt, and then I was thinking about how a surgeon cuts open their patients and pushes back the flesh to get to the portion of the body that they need to work on. When a surgeon cuts you open you get better in the long run. They use their expertise to make an incision and cut out the part of you that is bad, or replace the part of you that is bad. They do that so that you get better. Surgery is to make you better.

So maybe that's what God's doing to me?

I guess I can only hope that that's what he's doing, because this hurts. BAD. I was so numb. I was trying not to feel anything, and now it's like something is being sliced away from me. I never wanted to feel like this, I didn't ask to feel anything. I wasn't looking to run into this.

This isn't selective surgery, like a boob job, or a face lift. This is more like removing the cancer that's killing your heart and soul.

The words I want to hear spoken, will never be spoken. No clear answer will come from the person I want an answer from, and God still hasn't said anything to me. I'm lost and so confused because of someone else's actions, where just one word from that person would end my misery. A yes, and I'd be thrilled. A no, and I'd deal with it, at this point I think it'd be easier to hear no than yes. But both I and this person have no guts, so I will never confront them, and this person will never realize what they are doing unless someone points it out to them. I've had friends offer, but for some reason, I know it's got to be me that slices this out, that pulls out the scalpel and just hacks it away.

I told my friend tonight, after she told me she'd take this from me if she could, that it's my burden to bear, and that I'll one day understand why God is allowing me to go through this. Whether I grow personally, am able to help someone else in their struggles, or am able to love deeper when I do get to fall in love, God will use this to His GOOD. And while I can't see it now, I know deep down that that is the truth, no matter what I say, because I've said that I've felt like God has given up on me... And it has felt like that at points, but those are the lies that the enemy feeds us, and sometimes it's easier to believe those than the truth. Hence why I keep hearing and believing the lie that "you're not worth it," because so many people in my life have told me that or in so many actions shown me that, but God keeps trying to get my attention and prove to me that I am worth it, and that's really hard to believe when no single person - not a friend, not a significant other, and not even your parents - in your life is telling you that.

So I sit in silence, and pray that this will end quickly. It's lasted too long as it is.