Conflict and Resolution

I find it utterly amazing that I can feel three completely separate, conflicting, yet totally connected emotions at once. I feel like Bella in Breaking Dawn, just after she becomes a vampire, and she realizes that she can carry on a conversation with someone, and think about three other things at the same time.

The main emotion I THINK I'm experiencing is regret, which is a new one for me. I tend to take the things life sends my way and look at them as lessons, not things to regret. Why regret? Mainly because I regret hoping that something could work out for me, in more capacities than matters of the heart. My life just seems to ebb and flow between a relatively normal stasis that changes, oh, never, and an upheaval that causes me to spend more money than I have. I have no idea how I'm going to afford a new car. My heart also, it can't take what it's going through. I know that I only have myself to blame, and the first sign that I might even like a guy is the first sign that he'll never be interested in me. Maybe that sounds self defeating, but it seems to be the lot I've got in life. I'm not going to be bitter about it, it is what it is. Accept it and move on.

I promised myself I wouldn't date this year anyways, so being upset is an interesting emotion to have right now for me. I feel like I have to cut myself off like I did when I was in school and focus on things that matter. However denying yourself the one thing you've wanted for so long can often result in hoping for something, and there in lies my problem. I hope too much. I have the audacity to hope my someday will come. I have faith that someday will come. My someday isn't any day soon though. I won't let it happen. I can't let it happen.

I'm also happy. Strangely. The only thing I can think of is that I've got some pretty amazing friends & family. I've made some new friends in the last year that I just can't help but be happy about. Even the last few weeks, mere acquaintances have become better friends, and that makes me really happy. I thrive on being around people and the more people I have on my side the better. I think the thing I'd want all them to know is that I'm on their side too... fiercely loyal, till the end.

I guess I'll leave you with this: Everyone tells me that things happen when you least expect them to. How that is possible for me? I don't know. I'm the kind of person who lives day to day and breath to breath, and when a situation comes up, I take it head on. Why plan for a future that you're not really sure will happen? If I live by faith and not by sight it's a lot easier sometimes, but it's also a lot harder because you don't know what's coming, kind of like walking in the dark through my house, you never know if you're going to cut your toe on a sawzall or trip over a screwdriver into a saw horse... But it has it's benefits, you can start to feel your way around and once your eyes (or heart) adjust you can sort of start to see the picture before your eyes. There's benefits to having a rough idea of what is coming, and I've got that. I only sort of know what is going to happen this week... next week is kind of blurry. Knowing I don't know is hard, but I'm willing to take it one day at a time and learn from my actions, and my dashed hopes.

It's like my very very good friend Diana says: "Wait for the guy that treats you like a princess." However, I'm slightly convinced that there are no more princes left in this world. Here you go God, prove me wrong. I challenge you to that.

Yes, I just challenged God, what's He gonna do? The only thing He can do... Prove me wrong.