I'm going to go on a little rant here and talk about a few things that I hate.
People not telling me if something I'm doing is bugging them. I would rather have you tell me "hey Lily, when you do (insert action here) it (insert adjective) me. Can you please stop?" than have you just keep it to yourself until your so angry that you blow up in my face. If you've got an issue with me freaking tell me!!! Idiots!
I also HATE it when normally nice people suddenly turn into jerks for no reason. Like for example if you're teasing someone, there is a fine line between teasing and being a jerk, and maybe they just don't know where that line is, but all of a sudden you're wondering why they're saying this ridiculous thing to you.
I HATE that I'm questioning my faith right now. For a long time I thought my faith was pretty strong that I was rolling with the punches, and God was taking care of me... Now I just feel like He abandoned ship, and left me to sink... Maybe I'm crazy here, or maybe I've just been trying to control things too much. I just know that at life group tonight I didn't feel like I was all there, like there's just too much that I'm missing right now. I felt like "Debbie Downer" because nothing seems to be going right in my life... Oh yeah, I've got a GAZILLION little things to be thankful for, but the big things in my life that are going wrong make those great little things seem like chocolate chips when all you want is a giant Hershey's bar...
I hate that it's a continual battle for me to stay happy sometimes... Because sometimes I just want to sit in the corner and be left alone and others I NEED to be the center of attention. If you know me, you'll notice that the times when I NEED to be the center of attention is when something drastic happens and I start talking about it all the time, or making little things big that are really nothing... Or I go and do something like chop all my hair off or dye it blonde after 7 years......... Not that doing those things makes me the center of attention, but a lot of attention generally gets diverted my way... for a bit, and then I have to go and do something out of character or outrageous to get my "fix" again. Call it "only child syndrome" if you will... Heck I do...
I hate that most of the time when I say I don't want to date, I'm secretly concocting a plan to find a date, or hoping that by saying I don't want to date, magically someone will come out of the woodwork who wants to date me... Not that any of my plans work, they're mostly crack pot plans that don't have a shot in hell of ever working, nor are they anything but a day dream... I guess it's just me being bitter that it's never me that is the object of someone's affection... As lame and pathetic as I know that sounds... I always think of that old country song about wishing on someone else's star, and how it has always seemed to apply to me...
I hate that the most random and minor things like a black Nissan Altima driving next to me on my way home tonight reminds me of the guy I had a thing for in College... or how I really want to text him and be like "eat it sucker! look at me now!"
I hate that I want to tell off every guy who I've ever had a crush on because for whatever reason, again, if I like a guy it's inevitable that they will never feel anything towards me... Yeah, I'm gonna be pretty self centered here for a second and say they don't know what the hell they're missing out on. Maybe it's the hormones raging through my body that are putting me in this FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC mood, but seriously they haven't got a flipping clue... And the great thing is that none of them are going to get clues any time soon, but maybe one day it'll hit them like a hockey puck in the nose... Or not, I am me, and most people can't stand me... let me rephrase that, most people can't take me (I'm a lot to handle), they can stand me, but they can't stand my brutal honesty, and when I'm not brutally honest with someone, I just feel fake, and that friendship just feels off...
Obviously I'm not good at hiding my emotions, and that's another thing I hate... because people can just read it...
Whatever, I am what I am. Who needs them?
1 comment:
Lily,
There were times when I often questioned my faith. Why was my daughter taken from me when she was only 8 weeks old, why did I allow a man to treat me like a punching bag...the lsit goes on...i digress...
I wrote this back in 2005
HOW TO UNSHIPWRECK YOUR FAITH
When I thnk of the word shipwrecked what instantly comes to mind is an old television show "gilligan's island". A fictional place that started with a 3 hour tour and the people on the ship become shipwrecked on a deserted island. For what probably seemed like an eternity they had no idea how to get off this deseted island. To those of us in tv land watching it was easy...fix the ship and be underway. If it were only that simple. That is what happens when our faith becomes shipwrecked. We struggle for what seems like an eternit to get back on track and find the path home. Back to where we need to be. To where God needs us to be.
There should never be the question why did my faith get shipwrecked, but more importantly, how did it get shipwrecked. Well I know the answer, do you? We all have those situations and circumstances in our lives that we give to God but he doesn't seem to be handling them in a manner we would consider timely. Sometimes in these instances our lives seem hopeless and filled with despair. We know what we need to do to get back on the right path. The path that leads us straight back to GOD!!!!!!!! But there is that innate nature deep within all of us that needs to have even the smallest ounce of control over the situation/circumstances in our lives. This is when our fight for survival becomes critical
We can't turn back to God who will set our ship back on the straight and narrow and lead us back to relying on him for it all;or we can chose to stay on that deserted island and blaming others, including God or having a pity party. Don't get me wrong, pity parties are okay every now and then as long as they don't last forever. Of course we don't take the blame ourselves for the situation.
God wants us to be content in our current situation or circumstances whatever they are. To rely totally on him to know what we need and when we need it. Living our lives for Jesus, obeying his commandments, believing his words are true, stayhing focused only on HIM is the only way to keep our faith from being shipwrecked.
Hebrews 13:5b....keep your faith from shipwreck.
I know it is easier said then done, but HE does know what is best for us, and when it is time for him to show us it will be swift.
relax and enjoy your life
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