so you think you know who you are.

I had a dream the other night, and it made me laugh.
Because it was about a guy who I don't know buyin me jewelry.
and it's strange, cause the face that was there was not the face I thought would be there. The way I think is still a mystery to me and I'm floundering to find myself.
In the way I live and the way I speak, the things I dream of are huge. I've got this huge dream and no path through which to pursue it.

I miss the city with all it's gleaming white towers and it's beautiful landmarks that stand so true, and weather the test of time. I want to be anti-establishment in the establishment city. If the devil really is in the white city, I want to meet him. I want him to rear his head and make my life interesting. The things I say and the things I do... no one listens... they're too busy staring at the pillars that surround me.

I thought I would never let myself think this way again.

I just realized that I like liking guys.

It's not like I was once a lesbian and now all of a sudden I like guys...
it's just that for the past few months, I really haven't wanted to like guys like they were something good or important... I don't know... my life is crazy and I'm thinking crazy right now.

I don't know what I'm doing or saying.

what'll I do?

So my future is pretty much everything that I'm looking at right now... I've kinda got this distorted view because the "future" is underneath this fog bank. and I'm in the middle of it, and it sucks. and I hate it.

My boyfriend's got my back. well "boyfriend." At least that's the way I think of him. He's very real, and very true, and loves me lots, but physically he's not really here. and I've got this relationship with him, and it's growing all the time, and I'm losing my train of thought.

I get angry easier than most would think. I get down on myself because I've never really had the chance to let it really seethe from my pores. I cry all the time for the selfish reasons that girls always cry for yet it never seems to help, and I just keep thinking when this is all going to be over.

The future just keeps me waiting and I hate trying to read the future. That song... "It's always cloudy except when you look in to the past." clouds clouds clouds... that's all that's ahead of me right now... IFREAKINGHATEIT!!!

The greatest influence on my life, the greatest love of my life, the most joy in my life comes from someone I can't see. I feel HIM. I know HE exists. and HE won't let me in on the secret of who the little he in my life will be... the one who will always be second best and still get all my love. the one who will be the second greatest influence upon me. Daddy ruined me, he set this amazing example for what a man should be, and how a man should act, and what a man should do, and so many other things... yet men like him don't seem to exist anymore. they seem to have been wiped off the face of the earth. My generation doesn't know what chivalry is. They know what the feeling between their legs is and that's about it. They seem to have become disconnected from their hearts, and their crotch has taken it's place. they rarely use their minds. And LOVE... the real kind requires heart, mind and soul, body is the last thing on the list of what true love requires and I've got to tell you, I'm glad for that because my heart and mind, and my soul are great... but according to this world, my body is lacking something...

If money makes the world go round, then love is the next thing that makes it go round.
that and politics.

My life has been influenced by love songs and hard songs, bad songs, good songs, techno and country. I am looking for something. I've found the Love I need to have, but the love I want is alluding me and making the Love I've got is making me wait for a better time, in a better place. And I'd like to say I know but I've got no clue, and all I'm doing is looking for you in a darkened room... with no concept of what you are or who you are or who you'll be or what you'll become... If I had to guess you don't exist... or you're too perfect to ever look at me... You're Zeus to my Medusa... that's how I've always seen you... You're a god and I'm half demon. But that just goes back to how I shouldn't be down on myself. Because the truth is you're probably just around the riverbend with a new exciting adventure for me, and I can't wait to meet you... you make me glad.