If you're looking for a reason to hate me, I've got one for you: I'm the moodiest person you'll probably ever meet. I hate it when people ignore me (side effect of getting all the attention as an only child growing up), and when they do I tend to write them off. Sane? Maybe not completely, but what's the point in being around people who don't think you're worth it to even respond to you?
If you're wondering what I'm about, which you're probably not, cause I'm one of those people who can just say what's on their mind and get away with it, then stop wondering and just ask me a question.
My life seems to revolve around if's because I always am saying "if this... if that... if if if." I'm so stinking tired of if. I hate life right now. I hate that I'm a huge sucker. I hate that I'm the kind of person who will say I'm not going to date for a year and work on myself, get 6 months through the year and not know what the heck I was even doing in the first place saying I wouldn't date. It's like I'm daring fate to do the opposite of what I claim I want it to do. You know how people always say "when you don't want something that's when it shows up," maybe I was just trying to dare fate to send "him" my way... whoever "he" is.
And so I sit here 6 months into this whole not dating thing knowing EXACTLY why I won't/can't date anyone right now. There are a few reasons, so let's just make a list mmmmkay here goes:
A) I'm afraid of intimacy. Maybe it's the whole coming from a divorced family, maybe it's that I've never put my heart out there fully, but I DO know that the second I start to feel close to someone I start to question that and question anything and everything about that person. Basically running away...
B) I'm not ready to talk about my weight loss. This is such a HUGE part of who I am, and I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of the looks that people give me when they find out just HOW MUCH I've lost, and I don't like the subtle difference in the way they treat me after they do find out. It's like they feel sorry for me. Maybe this is an after affect from telling a guy I was talking to on eHarmony about it, and then never hearing from that guy again... Forcing me to think I need to be ashamed about it. If someone I haven't seen in a long time notices, I'm fine with that, but talking to completely new people in my life about it isn't something I'm comfortable with yet and to be honest I don't know when I will be.
C) My faith in Christ is at an all time low. I see him working in other's lives, answering my prayers that were I guess what you could call "low priority" to me, before answering the ones I thought were more "pressing." That's how God works I get it, it just stings that the prayers that get answered aren't prayers having anything to do with me, but friends and friends of friends. I realize the fact that I call a prayer "low priority" is stupid, and childish, and selfish, so don't judge me there, I'm already judging myself. I guess I just wish He'd get around to answering some of mine...
D) I don't trust anyone. Let's just leave it at, it seems like every time I start to trust someone I wind up hurt.
I'm done.
