1) PAY ATTENTION, to anyone, anytime, anywhere, any place, it's just polite!
2) TEXT BACK. Even if it's a day later, TEXT BACK. Don't ignore a question. These days we all communicate in different ways, and being on the go most of the time we use our fingers instead of our voices, because lets just face it sometimes it's easier than taking the time to actually have a real conversation. If someone merely comments on something, text back at your discretion, but don't, whatever you do, DON'T ignore a direct question. Here's a good personal example: I had a guy completely ignore a question I sent him via text only to discover that he text my best friend not even five minutes after, while I was with her, which he knew... That's just messed up men.
3) BE INTENTIONAL. Don't expect us girls to do all the work. I don't care what the relationship is, friendship or otherwise. ALL relationships are two way streets.
4) DON'T ACT LIKE EVERYTHING IS FINE WHEN IT'S NOT. Hiding how you feel will only get you in trouble in the end. This fits in really well with being intentional. If something is bugging you about something someone said, tell that person. Don't let it just slide. Or even worse, build up until you think you're going to hit a wall, hitting walls hurts and costs too much in the end, both for repair of the wall, and your hand.
5) DON'T SAY SOMETHING YOU DON'T MEAN. Again, this goes in with being intentional, but deserves a bullet of it's own. Men may be simple creatures, women are not, I know I am one. You may not analyze it, but we will, remember that when you're talking to one of us beautiful creatures.
6) DON'T FLIRT WITH A GIRL IF YOU DON'T LIKE HER. ESPECIALLY if you know the girl likes you. Unless you're a total jerk, then by all means go for it.
Just a few things I thought you men might like to know... Drawing on personal experiences of myself and friends, we decided these are the things that bug us the most about you, and I in all my benevolence decided to share them with you.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Today, I feel old.
Now, feeling old isn't normal for a 24 year old. But today I've been thinking about it and maybe it has something to do with watching Brad Paisley's video of "Welcome to the Future." Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my friend since third grade has been married for 2 1/2 years and is expecting a baby boy this November right before I myself turn 25. Or maybe it's the fact that I've been at the same job since I was 18, and not really anything has changed? But I feel old!
I'm not though! That's what's so crazy!
I definitely am in agreement that my life isn't where I thought it'd be when I just graduated from high school, but then, who can actually say that their life turned out exactly as they expected it to when they were in high school? I've come to know and respect the fact that the best laid plans are always the ones that are the first to die. They are the first that wind up crashing and hitting the ground the hardest.
As a teenage girl you can hope that by the time you're twenty-two you'll have fallen in love at least once. Then you turn twenty-two and the man of your dreams still hasn't showed up. You keep getting older and just enjoying yourself, and there are guys that come a long and make you think twice. I have to admit that for all my complaining, and I do a heck of a lot of complaining, I'm okay being single, and I say a lot too that I really wouldn't know what to do if I were in a relationship because my independence is such a huge part of who I am that it would probably kill any relationship I were ever in.
I've never been happier than I am at this moment though!!!
When I woke up this morning the scale said I'd dropped 65 pounds!!! It's really hard for me to wrap my head around that concept. I don't feel like a different person, but I know I look like one. I'm still really insecure about what I look like, even though there's not a day that goes by that someone doesn't tell me how great I look. My confidence is definitely boosted by that fact, but for some reason there's still a disconnect there, and I don't feel so great half the time... I just don't feel pretty, or even skinny... yet that's what everyone tells me. And for the record, it's something all women deal with, no matter how skinny or gorgeous they are. I've had friends that are beautiful women, size two women say "I feel fat," and I'm not going to go into it, but I'm pretty sure that it has a lot to do with the things that society sticks on women, the pressures to always look amazing. I guess one day I hope that we can all just be okay with who we are and accept ourselves for who we are minus the facts of our size, or if we have a man in our life... I think that's how I started losing so much weight... I started to be okay with myself, not to say that I don't still struggle with those feelings.
so I really hope that makes sense.
I'm not though! That's what's so crazy!
I definitely am in agreement that my life isn't where I thought it'd be when I just graduated from high school, but then, who can actually say that their life turned out exactly as they expected it to when they were in high school? I've come to know and respect the fact that the best laid plans are always the ones that are the first to die. They are the first that wind up crashing and hitting the ground the hardest.
As a teenage girl you can hope that by the time you're twenty-two you'll have fallen in love at least once. Then you turn twenty-two and the man of your dreams still hasn't showed up. You keep getting older and just enjoying yourself, and there are guys that come a long and make you think twice. I have to admit that for all my complaining, and I do a heck of a lot of complaining, I'm okay being single, and I say a lot too that I really wouldn't know what to do if I were in a relationship because my independence is such a huge part of who I am that it would probably kill any relationship I were ever in.
I've never been happier than I am at this moment though!!!
When I woke up this morning the scale said I'd dropped 65 pounds!!! It's really hard for me to wrap my head around that concept. I don't feel like a different person, but I know I look like one. I'm still really insecure about what I look like, even though there's not a day that goes by that someone doesn't tell me how great I look. My confidence is definitely boosted by that fact, but for some reason there's still a disconnect there, and I don't feel so great half the time... I just don't feel pretty, or even skinny... yet that's what everyone tells me. And for the record, it's something all women deal with, no matter how skinny or gorgeous they are. I've had friends that are beautiful women, size two women say "I feel fat," and I'm not going to go into it, but I'm pretty sure that it has a lot to do with the things that society sticks on women, the pressures to always look amazing. I guess one day I hope that we can all just be okay with who we are and accept ourselves for who we are minus the facts of our size, or if we have a man in our life... I think that's how I started losing so much weight... I started to be okay with myself, not to say that I don't still struggle with those feelings.
so I really hope that makes sense.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Alfred
So a while ago, I named my tummy Alfred. I can't remember why, probably because me and my friends were hanging out and my stomach made a strange noise, so I (in pure Lily fashion!) came up with a snappy one-liner and told my stomach to shut-up, but instead of just saying shut-up, I said "Alfred! Shut-up! I'm actually 99% sure that that's the story of how I started calling my tummy Alfred.
He's been acting up the past few days and not being very nice to me. Don't tummy aches just bite the big one?
So to move on past all my emotional crap, and onto the things that actually "matter" (because boys, I'm sorry if you're one and you're reading this, don't matter). Things that matter are: money, friends, and family... maybe in reverse order... so make that: family, friends, and money.
Family, is okay.
Friends are amazing!
Money... FML. I've got the worst job ever and don't even get paid what I should get paid. I've worked at the same place for the past 6 years, graduated with my Bachelor's 2 years ago, and still can't find an effing job. I pray I find something soon, cause this is not fun, or easy right now.
At least school is starting again soon, which will normalize the lives of people around me and therefore normalize my life too... however I've got two things coming up soon that are going to throw a giant wrench into the works... a wedding and a quincenera (my computer apparently doesn't speak spanish, so I'm sorry that that is probably spelled incorrectly.)
Oh man. That's it.
At least I have my dancing. :D
He's been acting up the past few days and not being very nice to me. Don't tummy aches just bite the big one?
So to move on past all my emotional crap, and onto the things that actually "matter" (because boys, I'm sorry if you're one and you're reading this, don't matter). Things that matter are: money, friends, and family... maybe in reverse order... so make that: family, friends, and money.
Family, is okay.
Friends are amazing!
Money... FML. I've got the worst job ever and don't even get paid what I should get paid. I've worked at the same place for the past 6 years, graduated with my Bachelor's 2 years ago, and still can't find an effing job. I pray I find something soon, cause this is not fun, or easy right now.
At least school is starting again soon, which will normalize the lives of people around me and therefore normalize my life too... however I've got two things coming up soon that are going to throw a giant wrench into the works... a wedding and a quincenera (my computer apparently doesn't speak spanish, so I'm sorry that that is probably spelled incorrectly.)
Oh man. That's it.
At least I have my dancing. :D
Friday, August 21, 2009
Enjoy the Silence
"All I ever wanted All I ever needed Is here in my arms Words are very unnecessary They can only do harm..."
...and right about here is where the music takes over, like a sound swelling in my head, taking over my body. I like it when the music takes over. The pain is less. It's like a wave over my body... crashing and making no noise. No words to explain that I'm feeling so very tired and hurt. So unloved or cared for.
I wish I could talk in songs, or just relate every song to a moment in my life. I feel so much pain right now. I am not suicidal or even crazy, but the other night I was thinking if I cut myself, it might not hurt, and then I was thinking about how a surgeon cuts open their patients and pushes back the flesh to get to the portion of the body that they need to work on. When a surgeon cuts you open you get better in the long run. They use their expertise to make an incision and cut out the part of you that is bad, or replace the part of you that is bad. They do that so that you get better. Surgery is to make you better.
So maybe that's what God's doing to me?
I guess I can only hope that that's what he's doing, because this hurts. BAD. I was so numb. I was trying not to feel anything, and now it's like something is being sliced away from me. I never wanted to feel like this, I didn't ask to feel anything. I wasn't looking to run into this.
This isn't selective surgery, like a boob job, or a face lift. This is more like removing the cancer that's killing your heart and soul.
The words I want to hear spoken, will never be spoken. No clear answer will come from the person I want an answer from, and God still hasn't said anything to me. I'm lost and so confused because of someone else's actions, where just one word from that person would end my misery. A yes, and I'd be thrilled. A no, and I'd deal with it, at this point I think it'd be easier to hear no than yes. But both I and this person have no guts, so I will never confront them, and this person will never realize what they are doing unless someone points it out to them. I've had friends offer, but for some reason, I know it's got to be me that slices this out, that pulls out the scalpel and just hacks it away.
I told my friend tonight, after she told me she'd take this from me if she could, that it's my burden to bear, and that I'll one day understand why God is allowing me to go through this. Whether I grow personally, am able to help someone else in their struggles, or am able to love deeper when I do get to fall in love, God will use this to His GOOD. And while I can't see it now, I know deep down that that is the truth, no matter what I say, because I've said that I've felt like God has given up on me... And it has felt like that at points, but those are the lies that the enemy feeds us, and sometimes it's easier to believe those than the truth. Hence why I keep hearing and believing the lie that "you're not worth it," because so many people in my life have told me that or in so many actions shown me that, but God keeps trying to get my attention and prove to me that I am worth it, and that's really hard to believe when no single person - not a friend, not a significant other, and not even your parents - in your life is telling you that.
So I sit in silence, and pray that this will end quickly. It's lasted too long as it is.
...and right about here is where the music takes over, like a sound swelling in my head, taking over my body. I like it when the music takes over. The pain is less. It's like a wave over my body... crashing and making no noise. No words to explain that I'm feeling so very tired and hurt. So unloved or cared for.
I wish I could talk in songs, or just relate every song to a moment in my life. I feel so much pain right now. I am not suicidal or even crazy, but the other night I was thinking if I cut myself, it might not hurt, and then I was thinking about how a surgeon cuts open their patients and pushes back the flesh to get to the portion of the body that they need to work on. When a surgeon cuts you open you get better in the long run. They use their expertise to make an incision and cut out the part of you that is bad, or replace the part of you that is bad. They do that so that you get better. Surgery is to make you better.
So maybe that's what God's doing to me?
I guess I can only hope that that's what he's doing, because this hurts. BAD. I was so numb. I was trying not to feel anything, and now it's like something is being sliced away from me. I never wanted to feel like this, I didn't ask to feel anything. I wasn't looking to run into this.
This isn't selective surgery, like a boob job, or a face lift. This is more like removing the cancer that's killing your heart and soul.
The words I want to hear spoken, will never be spoken. No clear answer will come from the person I want an answer from, and God still hasn't said anything to me. I'm lost and so confused because of someone else's actions, where just one word from that person would end my misery. A yes, and I'd be thrilled. A no, and I'd deal with it, at this point I think it'd be easier to hear no than yes. But both I and this person have no guts, so I will never confront them, and this person will never realize what they are doing unless someone points it out to them. I've had friends offer, but for some reason, I know it's got to be me that slices this out, that pulls out the scalpel and just hacks it away.
I told my friend tonight, after she told me she'd take this from me if she could, that it's my burden to bear, and that I'll one day understand why God is allowing me to go through this. Whether I grow personally, am able to help someone else in their struggles, or am able to love deeper when I do get to fall in love, God will use this to His GOOD. And while I can't see it now, I know deep down that that is the truth, no matter what I say, because I've said that I've felt like God has given up on me... And it has felt like that at points, but those are the lies that the enemy feeds us, and sometimes it's easier to believe those than the truth. Hence why I keep hearing and believing the lie that "you're not worth it," because so many people in my life have told me that or in so many actions shown me that, but God keeps trying to get my attention and prove to me that I am worth it, and that's really hard to believe when no single person - not a friend, not a significant other, and not even your parents - in your life is telling you that.
So I sit in silence, and pray that this will end quickly. It's lasted too long as it is.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Confundus!
Dear you,
You have me confused beyond belief. What's funny is that you've seemed to confused not only me and my head and my heart, but everyone around us too. We're not together, we both know that. As far as I know we're friends, but you and me get together and this bubble appears around us, and it's just us, and we're talking and laughing and having fun, and there's no one else there. How is it that I can feel like this and know that you're not thinking what I'm hoping you're thinking. He told you a few months ago that I like you. Maybe you can't make up your mind, maybe you think you don't have the time... I feel like an idiot for wanting you. For feeling like I've been told to wait for you till you figure out your issues and what it is you really want, but everytime I'm with you I don't want to wait anymore. I'm sick of getting asked what's going on between us. I'm sick of hearing people say we're acting like we're married. I'm sick of you dancing with me like that if you don't mean it that way. I'm sick of lighting up inside when you're around. I'm sick of not being noticed. I'm a girl who deserves a man who will notice her, and if you don't notice me, you're not only blind but stupid too, because you don't see what anyone else sees, that you're the only one who makes me smile like that, or laugh that much or get that glow in my eyes, and when you dissappear so fast like that, so do all those things. I know you're not perfect... I know you're human, but if it's not what you know I want it to be, then tell me so I'm not freaking out all the time after you leave, because I know I want you, and I'm waiting for you to want me to, but if you're never going to want me then I'm just sitting here, waiting here, wishing here and wasting my time... precious time, time that you don't deserve.
Love, Me.
You have me confused beyond belief. What's funny is that you've seemed to confused not only me and my head and my heart, but everyone around us too. We're not together, we both know that. As far as I know we're friends, but you and me get together and this bubble appears around us, and it's just us, and we're talking and laughing and having fun, and there's no one else there. How is it that I can feel like this and know that you're not thinking what I'm hoping you're thinking. He told you a few months ago that I like you. Maybe you can't make up your mind, maybe you think you don't have the time... I feel like an idiot for wanting you. For feeling like I've been told to wait for you till you figure out your issues and what it is you really want, but everytime I'm with you I don't want to wait anymore. I'm sick of getting asked what's going on between us. I'm sick of hearing people say we're acting like we're married. I'm sick of you dancing with me like that if you don't mean it that way. I'm sick of lighting up inside when you're around. I'm sick of not being noticed. I'm a girl who deserves a man who will notice her, and if you don't notice me, you're not only blind but stupid too, because you don't see what anyone else sees, that you're the only one who makes me smile like that, or laugh that much or get that glow in my eyes, and when you dissappear so fast like that, so do all those things. I know you're not perfect... I know you're human, but if it's not what you know I want it to be, then tell me so I'm not freaking out all the time after you leave, because I know I want you, and I'm waiting for you to want me to, but if you're never going to want me then I'm just sitting here, waiting here, wishing here and wasting my time... precious time, time that you don't deserve.
Love, Me.
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