Brutality

I'm going to be brutally honest for one moment. (Or two, depending on how long it takes me to write this out and how long it takes you to read it.)

I'm not an ugly girl, by any means. I am not a high maintenance bitchy girl by any means. I'm not annoying, I'm not stupid.

I am however intelligent, fairly good looking, active, fun, funny, and I have a pretty decent sense of humor.

However, even after losing 75 pounds, there has yet to be a single, available, man interested in me.

I'm not going to lie; I seriously thought that with all this improvement I've made in regards to myself there would have been at least one man interested. Instead I'm stuck with the perpetual no one is interested, and if they are, they're not saying anything, situation that seems to be my life.

I know that finding someone who will appreciate you for who you are is more than just losing some weight. Its timing, circumstances, and the little things that make relationships happen. But I’m still wondering why not me?

I’m reading this book called “Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye?” and it asks these questions from a Christian perspective and talks about singleness and the Godly perspective of it. I’m only on the second chapter, but it’s really interesting. I know I’m not the only one who asks these questions, but it sure as heck feels like it.

I hope that I can find peace about my singleness, but the older I get it seems like I just get more and more restless about just how single I am. When you’re almost 25 and the last time that there was a guy even REMOTELY interested in you was your freshman year of high school, you start to wonder if there is something wrong with you, or how you come off to all these men that just AREN’T interested. What could it possibly be that prevents them from approaching you like you hope they would?

But more than hoping to find peace in my singleness, I hope to find a man who is a God-loving, country-dancing, baseball fan, who is into me! I’ve been praying for a man to come into my life since I was 17 and I’m just wondering when God’s timing will work out for him to enter into my life. I know that this man coming into my life will not make me happier or my life complete, but I feel like it would just be so much more fun to have someone to take this crazy ride called life with, than going at it by myself.

... and I keep bleedin' keep, keep bleedin'.

It's like I've been broken open.

There is no suture that could help.

No band-aid to cover.

I pour out my heart.

I pour it out so You can fill it up.

When will you fill me?

I'm empty.

Empty as the glass that sits before me.

Empty as the bottle just dumped down the drain.

Who am I becoming?

This week has been so insanely and emotionally draining. Considering I'm technically on my "weekend" since I work Friday through Tuesday.

So it begins with me finally talking to a guy that I liked about something that's been on my shoulders for a while, and we part still friends and then something happens that makes me question that, then I got angry that what happened happened, and my cousin got even all carried away in her anger and did something really stupid.

I can't take this back, but I'm hoping and praying that my friendship with him isn't ruined.

I'm not the kind of person to be vengeful, and I'm definitely a drama hater, but this is just riddled with drama and I"m right at the center of it. I hate that I've caused this person hurt, by either my words or actions.

I don't know how this is going to get fixed. It hurts. Really bad, what he did, what I did... I HATE it. I hate that somewhere out there he's thinking bad things about me that I did this to really hurt him.

Fully not expecting anything, ever. It seems as though now is when all I want to do is write this out. Write about how every single stinking time he smiled at me, I got flipping butterflies in my stomach. Or how my hands never felt so safe as they felt in his hands... well save for my dad's. Write about how it seems to keep on going that there are things about him that are so insanely rare to find in a guy... Write about how when I was 17 I wrote about a man who has qualities such as loving peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, loving kids, loving his family, is kind of a mama's boy, but has the heart of a servant, and is diligent, and a hard worker... The weirdest part of all is that he looks like this guy I dreamt about when I was 13 and then wrote about again when I was 17 - tall, dark hair, light eyes, nice chin (who just writes about chins? apparently I do, because I'm just that weird). When you're 17 and you're writing about the man you want to marry, it's hard to think that the simple things that you would appreciate could ever be there in a man... and then you meet a guy who keeps peeling back the layers of himself and you find yet another thing that is just eerily creepily like the man you always thought you'd marry, but yet, you know this guy's not the one for you... You just know to your soul that he's not, he's just your friend, and you try as hard as you can to convince yourself that that's all he is, despite the fact that everyone keeps commenting on how there seems to be something between the two of you, asking you what's going on, and the worst part of all he SEEMS to be into you, when you're around him, and then you're not around him, and you don't know why he ignores you half the time... but then there are those few rare moments when you're talking to him, and it's just you and him, and you're wondering why he's telling just you this... why you're the only two in on the conversation... That bubble... that bubble is so scary, cause you go into it as a friend, and your mind gets all twisted up and squeezed out the other end in a big ball of "what the hell just happened?" And the same round of questions start all over again: "Anything interesting happen? What were you two talking about, you were both so into it. Are you dating? Is that your husband?" How can what people say not matter at all, but mean so much?

So without expecting anything, I feel like I am just here... left hoping for a friendship that I hoped would always maybe possibly someday be more had the two people just met at a different time under different circumstances...

I'm just so ready to meet someone that actually wants me. I've met so many who don't for their various reasons, and I'm tired of being scared of facing what I want, because I deserve it. There's so much going on right now in my head that I'm spastic.

I'm physically tired from being so emotional.

I was reading something I wrote on my facebook wall that says something to the effect of "I don't like drama." Yet here I sit, in the midst of it, seemingly the cause of it. Drama of my own making that I seem to have dragged everyone into, and feel like the creator of this high school environment, and I hate it... I want this to be over, I want to talk... Even if I don't like what he has to say.

A Few Things Guys Should Know

1) PAY ATTENTION, to anyone, anytime, anywhere, any place, it's just polite!

2) TEXT BACK. Even if it's a day later, TEXT BACK. Don't ignore a question. These days we all communicate in different ways, and being on the go most of the time we use our fingers instead of our voices, because lets just face it sometimes it's easier than taking the time to actually have a real conversation. If someone merely comments on something, text back at your discretion, but don't, whatever you do, DON'T ignore a direct question. Here's a good personal example: I had a guy completely ignore a question I sent him via text only to discover that he text my best friend not even five minutes after, while I was with her, which he knew... That's just messed up men.

3) BE INTENTIONAL. Don't expect us girls to do all the work. I don't care what the relationship is, friendship or otherwise. ALL relationships are two way streets.

4) DON'T ACT LIKE EVERYTHING IS FINE WHEN IT'S NOT. Hiding how you feel will only get you in trouble in the end. This fits in really well with being intentional. If something is bugging you about something someone said, tell that person. Don't let it just slide. Or even worse, build up until you think you're going to hit a wall, hitting walls hurts and costs too much in the end, both for repair of the wall, and your hand.

5) DON'T SAY SOMETHING YOU DON'T MEAN. Again, this goes in with being intentional, but deserves a bullet of it's own. Men may be simple creatures, women are not, I know I am one. You may not analyze it, but we will, remember that when you're talking to one of us beautiful creatures.

6) DON'T FLIRT WITH A GIRL IF YOU DON'T LIKE HER. ESPECIALLY if you know the girl likes you. Unless you're a total jerk, then by all means go for it.

Just a few things I thought you men might like to know... Drawing on personal experiences of myself and friends, we decided these are the things that bug us the most about you, and I in all my benevolence decided to share them with you.

Today, I feel old.

Now, feeling old isn't normal for a 24 year old. But today I've been thinking about it and maybe it has something to do with watching Brad Paisley's video of "Welcome to the Future." Maybe it has something to do with the fact that my friend since third grade has been married for 2 1/2 years and is expecting a baby boy this November right before I myself turn 25. Or maybe it's the fact that I've been at the same job since I was 18, and not really anything has changed? But I feel old!

I'm not though! That's what's so crazy!

I definitely am in agreement that my life isn't where I thought it'd be when I just graduated from high school, but then, who can actually say that their life turned out exactly as they expected it to when they were in high school? I've come to know and respect the fact that the best laid plans are always the ones that are the first to die. They are the first that wind up crashing and hitting the ground the hardest.

As a teenage girl you can hope that by the time you're twenty-two you'll have fallen in love at least once. Then you turn twenty-two and the man of your dreams still hasn't showed up. You keep getting older and just enjoying yourself, and there are guys that come a long and make you think twice. I have to admit that for all my complaining, and I do a heck of a lot of complaining, I'm okay being single, and I say a lot too that I really wouldn't know what to do if I were in a relationship because my independence is such a huge part of who I am that it would probably kill any relationship I were ever in.

I've never been happier than I am at this moment though!!!

When I woke up this morning the scale said I'd dropped 65 pounds!!! It's really hard for me to wrap my head around that concept. I don't feel like a different person, but I know I look like one. I'm still really insecure about what I look like, even though there's not a day that goes by that someone doesn't tell me how great I look. My confidence is definitely boosted by that fact, but for some reason there's still a disconnect there, and I don't feel so great half the time... I just don't feel pretty, or even skinny... yet that's what everyone tells me. And for the record, it's something all women deal with, no matter how skinny or gorgeous they are. I've had friends that are beautiful women, size two women say "I feel fat," and I'm not going to go into it, but I'm pretty sure that it has a lot to do with the things that society sticks on women, the pressures to always look amazing. I guess one day I hope that we can all just be okay with who we are and accept ourselves for who we are minus the facts of our size, or if we have a man in our life... I think that's how I started losing so much weight... I started to be okay with myself, not to say that I don't still struggle with those feelings.

so I really hope that makes sense.

Alfred

So a while ago, I named my tummy Alfred. I can't remember why, probably because me and my friends were hanging out and my stomach made a strange noise, so I (in pure Lily fashion!) came up with a snappy one-liner and told my stomach to shut-up, but instead of just saying shut-up, I said "Alfred! Shut-up! I'm actually 99% sure that that's the story of how I started calling my tummy Alfred.

He's been acting up the past few days and not being very nice to me. Don't tummy aches just bite the big one?

So to move on past all my emotional crap, and onto the things that actually "matter" (because boys, I'm sorry if you're one and you're reading this, don't matter). Things that matter are: money, friends, and family... maybe in reverse order... so make that: family, friends, and money.

Family, is okay.

Friends are amazing!

Money... FML. I've got the worst job ever and don't even get paid what I should get paid. I've worked at the same place for the past 6 years, graduated with my Bachelor's 2 years ago, and still can't find an effing job. I pray I find something soon, cause this is not fun, or easy right now.

At least school is starting again soon, which will normalize the lives of people around me and therefore normalize my life too... however I've got two things coming up soon that are going to throw a giant wrench into the works... a wedding and a quincenera (my computer apparently doesn't speak spanish, so I'm sorry that that is probably spelled incorrectly.)

Oh man. That's it.

At least I have my dancing. :D

Enjoy the Silence

"All I ever wanted All I ever needed Is here in my arms Words are very unnecessary They can only do harm..."

...and right about here is where the music takes over, like a sound swelling in my head, taking over my body. I like it when the music takes over. The pain is less. It's like a wave over my body... crashing and making no noise. No words to explain that I'm feeling so very tired and hurt. So unloved or cared for.

I wish I could talk in songs, or just relate every song to a moment in my life. I feel so much pain right now. I am not suicidal or even crazy, but the other night I was thinking if I cut myself, it might not hurt, and then I was thinking about how a surgeon cuts open their patients and pushes back the flesh to get to the portion of the body that they need to work on. When a surgeon cuts you open you get better in the long run. They use their expertise to make an incision and cut out the part of you that is bad, or replace the part of you that is bad. They do that so that you get better. Surgery is to make you better.

So maybe that's what God's doing to me?

I guess I can only hope that that's what he's doing, because this hurts. BAD. I was so numb. I was trying not to feel anything, and now it's like something is being sliced away from me. I never wanted to feel like this, I didn't ask to feel anything. I wasn't looking to run into this.

This isn't selective surgery, like a boob job, or a face lift. This is more like removing the cancer that's killing your heart and soul.

The words I want to hear spoken, will never be spoken. No clear answer will come from the person I want an answer from, and God still hasn't said anything to me. I'm lost and so confused because of someone else's actions, where just one word from that person would end my misery. A yes, and I'd be thrilled. A no, and I'd deal with it, at this point I think it'd be easier to hear no than yes. But both I and this person have no guts, so I will never confront them, and this person will never realize what they are doing unless someone points it out to them. I've had friends offer, but for some reason, I know it's got to be me that slices this out, that pulls out the scalpel and just hacks it away.

I told my friend tonight, after she told me she'd take this from me if she could, that it's my burden to bear, and that I'll one day understand why God is allowing me to go through this. Whether I grow personally, am able to help someone else in their struggles, or am able to love deeper when I do get to fall in love, God will use this to His GOOD. And while I can't see it now, I know deep down that that is the truth, no matter what I say, because I've said that I've felt like God has given up on me... And it has felt like that at points, but those are the lies that the enemy feeds us, and sometimes it's easier to believe those than the truth. Hence why I keep hearing and believing the lie that "you're not worth it," because so many people in my life have told me that or in so many actions shown me that, but God keeps trying to get my attention and prove to me that I am worth it, and that's really hard to believe when no single person - not a friend, not a significant other, and not even your parents - in your life is telling you that.

So I sit in silence, and pray that this will end quickly. It's lasted too long as it is.

Confundus!

Dear you,

You have me confused beyond belief. What's funny is that you've seemed to confused not only me and my head and my heart, but everyone around us too. We're not together, we both know that. As far as I know we're friends, but you and me get together and this bubble appears around us, and it's just us, and we're talking and laughing and having fun, and there's no one else there. How is it that I can feel like this and know that you're not thinking what I'm hoping you're thinking. He told you a few months ago that I like you. Maybe you can't make up your mind, maybe you think you don't have the time... I feel like an idiot for wanting you. For feeling like I've been told to wait for you till you figure out your issues and what it is you really want, but everytime I'm with you I don't want to wait anymore. I'm sick of getting asked what's going on between us. I'm sick of hearing people say we're acting like we're married. I'm sick of you dancing with me like that if you don't mean it that way. I'm sick of lighting up inside when you're around. I'm sick of not being noticed. I'm a girl who deserves a man who will notice her, and if you don't notice me, you're not only blind but stupid too, because you don't see what anyone else sees, that you're the only one who makes me smile like that, or laugh that much or get that glow in my eyes, and when you dissappear so fast like that, so do all those things. I know you're not perfect... I know you're human, but if it's not what you know I want it to be, then tell me so I'm not freaking out all the time after you leave, because I know I want you, and I'm waiting for you to want me to, but if you're never going to want me then I'm just sitting here, waiting here, wishing here and wasting my time... precious time, time that you don't deserve.

Love, Me.

RANT!!!

You know, I thought you were my friend, no more no less. But time and time again you prove to me that you're nothing more than a jerk. It's like I've got blinders on and somehow only want to see the good in you... why? I've got no clue! I'm not asking for the world, I'm asking what I would of any other friend I've got, of which you are clearly not.

With respect, I am done. You keep on treating me like I don't matter, like I'm not even your friend, and beneath a response. You deserve no more time, you deserve no more effort, nor sir, do you deserve any more words from my mouth, even if I'd like to continue to rant and rave about how annoying it is that you do not even dain to respond with a simple no, and that right there proves how not worth it you are. You have no back bone, no cajones, and you sure as heck don't have my friendship any longer.

I wrote a song...

It's not that good, but it's how I feel...

There was a time in my life, where I felt exactly like I do right now, like I'm so fed up with living the way I know is right, I'm praying, I'm turning to God's word, and there is still this pain, this longing that won't go away, no matter how much I remind myself He loves me and has a plan and a purpose for me. No matter how I turn to Him in praise, in petitions, I feel like He has turned a deaf ear to me.

And right now, in the midst of my defeat, when I feel like He is ignoring me the most, I know that going down the road I did before is NOT the answer, so I boldly place my fears and my tears before Him (and to help knock down another of my walls, before you), and I say I know You're the only way out of this, God, but that doesn't change that this is how I feel right now. I REFUSE to become the girl I was before... I REFUSE to drink my pain away again like I did before. I will take the lesson from my past mistake and take the much more painful, but in the end much more rewarding road of turning to You instead of turning to myself, and my means and dumbing down the pain with partying, drinking, and meaningless kisses.

But again... don't judge this please... And those who know how far I've come since I was here before please pray for strength to deal with the pain that comes with chosing His way.

(and this might sound retarded, but in my head this song is Evanescence meets Paramore meets Alison Krause in "Whiskey Lullaby")

Numb it down
I don't wanna hurt this way
Cuz feeling like this
can suck the life right out
of a girl who wants
so much more
than used up words
broken promises and
pain.

I wanna drink it away
blow away the pain
with a blast from a bottle
that will make me feel "normal"
but I know that goin' down that road
won't cure this
pain

Desensitize
I don't wanna think anymore
about what I'm missing
but it's all a lie
and the spears come out
and pierce my heart
and cause so much
pain

I wanna drink it away
blow away the pain
with a blast from a bottle
that will make me feel "normal"
but I know that goin' down that road
won't cure this pain

I've been there before,
and I came right back
I won't be filled,
nothing I've tried can cure it

and I've lost all hope and
considered going back
but here's the thing
I know that won't help
God, You're the only cure to this
pain.

Irrational Fears

I have this fear that I'm going to die alone.

I'm 24, I've never been in a relationship... I'm deathly afraid I never will be.

Scared to death that the gift of singleness is my greatest gift...

I think I'm pretty normal. I may tend to put my heart out on my sleeve a bit too much, and say the wrong thing at the wrong time, to the wrong person, but other than that, I'd say I'm kinda average.

The fear of dying alone... is it so irrational? I mean look at me and tell me I'm not crazy. I seem to always get the wrong idea when it comes to this...

On the one hand, I feel like if I just have that much more faith, if I just truly believe that God is gonna do it without doubting it'll happen, it'll one day happen. Everyone says it'll happen when you least expect it. Everyone says that when you're happy with yourself, you can find what you're looking for. Others say, God will bless those who are faithful.

I stopped expecting anything a while ago... I'm pretty freaking happy with myself, I've lost 46 pounds, and I feel amazing! I also feel like my faith has trippled in the last year, I KNOW God works miracles...

But still I've sat here and struggled with this issue, and I'm trying to be patient... I've been here, praying and thinking so much about how MUCH it just DOESN'T matter... I think I've written at least a hundred pages asking God for a provision of His patience, and I keep telling myself, reminding myself, that it will happen in God's timing...

I've even been proven wrong. I always baffled at God, that the kind of man I have prayed for for so long didn't exist, that he was no where to be found, and then He goes and proves me wrong...
when I least expected it...
and then reminds me it's not time yet...

I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING, "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?" at the top of my lungs into the night, at the waxing moon... into the clouds that I just wish would open up and rain down on me...

"RELENT, O LORD! HOW LONG WILL IT BE? HAVE COMPASSION ON YOUR SERVANTS." (Psalm 90:13)

I pray this, I pray this with the knowledge that your testing will only make me stronger. But I pray for you to relent. I am stretched and I know you won't give me more than I can handle, but I am at the breaking point. I as for the desires of my heart and I pray in Your Mercy and Compassion you would grant me them. I ask how long it will be because I have been waiting for some sign that this trial, while a gift, of singleness would be over because most of the time it feels like torture. God, I pray that wherever my future husband is, whoever he may be, that you'd watch over him and hold him. I pray you'd introduce us soon. God I pray that he loves You! Oh that he's so in love with YOU! I pray for the strength to wait, because it's so hard!

You should just take the advice of the book.

so "He's Just Not That Into You." it's a good book, and I'm fearing it's totally true in my case. However I seem to want to refuse this logic. I seem to want to just hope for the best. I'm getting nowhere, and getting nothing. It's like this insane montage of all the moments we've shared together is rolling before my eyes, and I'm trying to analyze all of them, to see if there is something I missed. I really want to just tell him... just flat out tell him, and hope for the best. Does God test vulnerability? Because if He does, I'm pretty sure, this is one of His tests.

when all the frustration is stripped away, I know that there is a heart that only longs to worship Him. I know this. In my heart, I want to seek Him first... I want to be okay on my own, and I feel really guilty everytime I ask Him to bring a man into my life. I know that there are so many things He is trying to teach me right now, and I know patience is one of the ongoing ones. I feel so ready to move past this time in my life defined by my singleness. However, here I am, here I sit, half the time feeling more alone than ever because I know what I want and don't have it. so I let the tears fall, and they come like a storm cloud covering a sunny day, sad and beautiful, and cleansing.

I think the worst part, is I have confidence. I know I'm not ugly, I know I'm not stupid, I know I'm not one of the annoying girls, and I'm not so high maintenence that it's a pain in the rear. I don't understand why a guy wouldn't want to be with me. I mean, not to sound cocky, not to sound like a witch, but I mean I think I'm pretty special and I'm sure God does too, so I ask why, with how great I am, and how great God thinks I am, am I still alone? A year ago I would have said that I'm still alone because God wants me all to himself, and I'm sure partially that's right, but sitting from my perspective, I see that I've asked God to take this desire to be loved by a man away, that if that's not the plan he's got for me, to just take it away. Yet it simmers cooly on the back burner most of the time, and recently with this wonderful (I say that dripping with sarcasm, because it's not so wonderful liking someone who doesn't like you back) crush I've got, it's been on the front burners, on high... boiling away, and making me crazy!

I feel like before, when I had my stupid school girl crush, a) it was based soley on looks, and b) I knew it wouldn't go anywhere... but most importantly, c) when I finally found out he didn't feel the same way, it helped a lot... it helped me to just forget it... it helped me to just put it past me and move on. Here and now, I feel like the only way I'm going to find out anything is if I move, and I don't think that's ideal here... I want to be pursued!!! I want him to want me, and as I say that, I feel like that's never going to happen...

Lord, open my eyes, and help me to see You. I pray for the man I will marry, I pray I will meet him soon... I'm getting so sick of being alone.

the way I see it.

I'm sitting here, and I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

I get like this every once in a while where it just kills me. I see someone looking at someone like they're the one person in life that can make them smile like that. I used to want to capture that, as a photographer.

What am I living for? The desire for something that never comes doesn't fade though I ask it to be taken from me, and I keep finding myself liking men that would never be interested in me, and at twenty-four when you've never been in a relationship, and you're sitting there asking when? and your question isn't answered...

some days, the frustration is too much to handle... too much to keep in... and sometimes escaping it is the only way that I can get through it. and escaping it is the last thing I need... escaping the feeling that you're a big failure.

and still letting the lie hurt you when you know it's a lie isn't so hard to do, because even if you admit to yourself it's a lie, it's still something that gets to you...

God, I am so tired of waiting... I'm so tired of this; I feel so inadequate, so unworthy. I know these are lies, lies from the pit of hell, but they permeate so deeply because they are seemingly demonstrated in my life all the time... I'm never what anyone is looking for... and I'm never what they need. The lie that there is no man out there who could or will love me, it's so deeply rooted, and it's so there. I have yet to be pursued, and the older I get I keep asking why? where? when? and it's so damn frustrating, and you know it. I keep asking for your provision of patience for your peace about this... I need you God! I need to not feel unrequited... To not feel like I'm here, alone, forever.

Just when you think you're so sure of yourself...

Something happens and you start questioning yourself again.

Which is better: a strong and fast flame, or a slow burning long lasting fire? I'm sitting here thinking, the later.

God's grace is sufficient. The other day, I was blessed with stumbling upon this verse: "But I am like an olive tree flourishin in the house of God; I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever. I will praise you for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good I will praise you in the presence of your saints." Psalm 52:8-9

Help me to put you first. Help me to see the beauty in everyday things. Open my eyes to you. Help me to get that feel back, that feel for showing people the little things that matter to you. Help me to be a woman worthy of pursuit by a man you deem to be worthy of me... That's gotta be one awesome guy!

I wait paitently.

The Oceans Tide

God is soooooooo stinking good to me.

I spent today at the beach. Asking him to meet me there, I grabbed my bible, my journal, and Captivating by John and Stasi Eledridge. This book has changed little facets of my life, it has shown me what I need to deal with as a woman, with my issues with my mom, and my confusion with my dad.

Anyways, today, I took to the Lord, my question about the crush I've got, a man who is so very kind, funny, good looking, adventerous, and from all angles I keep feeling like he's just not the man for me. And earlier today, I was visited with a thought: "Why settle for the river, when the Ocean is waiting?" You see, I can't really describe this well... it's very hard to do so. But I will say I've always been a deeply emotional person. I've got passion ooozing from my ears, and maybe that is what frightens men about me. But I know that being such a passionate person, I can't expect any less in my future husband. He will have to be as passionate, if not more so than me. The idea of the ocean comes in here, the ocean is a passionate, cruel mistress, what river has a hurricane? There may be rapids, but never a driving wind and rain that whips it into a fury.

Think about it in the way of ships and boats. Rivers are rarely very deep, and therefore, most of the vesels on rivers are shallow bottomed, if they were any deeper, they would run aground. Yet, the ocean is fathoms deep, not all of it's deeps have been explored, the ships on the ocean have huge hulls to take the brunt of a crashing wave. I am a sea faring vessel, place me in a river, and it's risky, there's a high chance that I will ground out and be stranded. A river needs a riverboat. What riverboat would survive the crashing tide? Not a one.

So God is good. He proves he loves us by showing us that yes, the things you want are out there...

The second thought that came to me today was "The river runs to the ocean." And let me say, that is the most beautiful thought that I could ever have... because it's like a promise from God almost that I won't be waiting forever like I previously thought. Soon, I will reach the oceans shore. I could do a jig, I'm so happy!

God, show me.

Am I wrong for waiting?

Am I wrong for dreaming?

What is your will for me God?

If it's true that we look at you through the lense of our earthly father, right now I'm looking at you as an angry man, a man I adore, but don't get because no matter what you're saying one thing and showing me another... you love me you're proud of me... but I'm not seeing that... it's the actions that speak louder than words... Abba, show me!!! Show me you! Show me where to go. Show me how to get there. I am on my knees BEGGING... pleading with you to finally show me you love me, show me you're proud... it's all I ask... I don't want anything... just you to take my hand and show me where to go. If I am wrong, If I am not following you by waiting, show me! Point it out... is my father screaming in my face, pounding his fist showing me? God, where do I go?

Open my eyes.

I need something better... I need help. I need you... God, if you're carrying me, why can't I feel you. I just want you to hold me... show me everything is going to be alright... show me that this isn't going to last forever... it's moments like this that it's hard to believe your word, that you do have a plan and a future and a hope for me... because I can't see it, and it's still hidden underneath your veil... Dry my tears, because they're not helping anything...

Who's Kissing You Tonight

this song, by Jason Aldean... really good, but I'm thinking I want to write a response entitled "it could be you."

Anyways, my frustration continues... I want to cry out, "when will you pursue me!? when do I get to be the princess pursued?" my heart is hurting with all these tears and fears and just plain worry that I'm never going to be pursued. And in the silence, there's a voice that says, I'm pursuing you, and I want to believe it, I hear him, but it's not the kind of pursuit I want, not the right pursuer... so I ache and ignore it. He loves me. He really does, there is no question. And he chases me with fervor and passion and love... but in my heart while I know that he is the only one that can ever heal me, fill me, or ever put the pieces of my broken heart back together, I still run away from him and hope for him to send someone, a man in his stead. Yet my prince on a white horse is no where near, because what prince would approach a princess that is being pursued by a king??? That would be like suicide, in the order of things...

Wednesday 1am

God,

I can’t wait!

I was thinking about it today, and I just got all excited!

You’ve got a man out there for me. Somewhere. Waiting. And I was thinking about all the things I don’t want to wait to do with him. It’s going to be amazing. Sunday mornings for one! Getting to make love with him, in a way only meant for husbands and wives to experience, and then going to worship you, and thank you for the very love you give us, and allow us to share. How awesome is that going to be? I can’t fathom how wonderful a day started out that way would feel.

I can’t help thinking about all the celebrations of the little things in life. Like an anniversary or a birthday, I can’t wait to celebrate the little things in life. A Friday night with friends or a rare week vacation to just be lazy and enjoy each other, soaking in glances and shared moments of joy. The touch of skin on skin… And eventually, the joy of children, watching them grow, and raising them to love you.

God there is a man out there, you handpicked for me. He is out there, somewhere, and I can’t wait to meet him, can’t wait to know who he is, and to know him so well, to share myself with him. To be patient and loving and understand when I need to back off. I find the moments like this in my singleness where I get to thank you for what will be, amazing, beautiful and far between. I don’t need to worry about it, because it will happen in your time. You’ve shown me that there are men out there that are kind and funny, who are hard working, generous, and have a servant’s heart. Even if it’s just one man that I’ve met like that, I know that there has to be at least one more out there, because the one I’ve met may not be mine.

I know my issues, and I am ready, God, for there to be someone else in this relationship besides you and me, but if your will be that he doesn’t show up for a longer while still, then together you and me will be, and I’ll wait, while growing in you, because that’s the patient obedient thing to do. I’ll stand here with my heart held open and my lips singing the song that you give me to sing.

I pray you’d watch over the man that is to be the winner of my love. I pray you’d guard his heart, and mine, from things in this world that would rather see us apart, that you would bring us together in your time, at the perfect point in your song, your score, your play. That love would not awaken or stir until you say so. I pray that we would seek you continually, both separately and together.

Hold me close while I wait, it is getting longer, and harder to wait without growing bitter. Hold the enemy away from me. Help me to focus on the joy that will come, instead of the pain felt now, because I know beauty comes through pain. That in the end I will have a better knowledge of myself; I will have a better knowledge of you, and also be able to understand my husband all the better. Thank you, for loving me enough to allow me glimpses into how it might be. I praise you for your utter authority, and grant you the authority to work in my life. I trust you to be the keeper of my life, and you won’t hurt me or forsake me. I pray that I could always remember that small fact.

Amen.

Sappy Country Love Songs

I'm fit to be in a mood.

It's been a while since I've felt like this and I am not handling it well. I feel like a stupid girl. Like I need to watch my back... like at any moment, he could come around and hear me talking about him. It's a sad sad situation, and I'll tell you why... because I've been in this situation before, I liked a guy, he didn't like me, and I should've known that, but I didn't... I kept thinking it would just happen. I'm not allowing something for myself, that I want so bad it hurts, but I'm not willing to go after it... does that even make sense??? it's like anorexia, of the heart...

The question I want an answer to is does he feel the same? goodness! I'm done thinking about this right now.