It's NOT Like I Saw This Coming.

A year ago had you asked me if I'd lose 100 pounds, I'd have looked at you like your nuts. However, I've gone and done just that. It is insane. It is literally insane to think that it's been a year and a half of dancing and just not eating when I'm bored, and I've lost, basically a person. I'm so proud of myself but I know that it's not just me. God has blessed me in this way that I finally look the way that I've always felt on the inside... Is that weird to say? I mean I've always thought that I had something different than "fat" written on the inside of me, like the way that people judge you when they first look at you. Like "bubbly" was my word that was really on the inside but all that people could really see was "fat."

I'm cautious however now... I've lost weight before and I gained it back. I'm NOT doing that... whatever I have to do (aside from starving, because I love food too much, and becoming bulimic, because barfing is gross) to stay this way is what I'm going to do.

I'm still a little flustered and getting used to the attention that I get now. When I was younger I used to get frustrated because everyone always thought my sister was so pretty and so fun, and she would get so much attention, not just from guys, but from everyone and I was always shy and awkward, and chubby (and you know that anytime you say chubby the added notion is that you're ugly, because when you're chubby you're generally not happy with you, and you probably think you're not so hot, I know I did). My dad would say "she's getting attention, yes, but it's not all positive, and you don't want that kind of attention."

And he's right.

There's positive attention and negative attention. There's the guy that looks at you and honestly thinks you're pretty and would probably date you and then there's the guy who looks at you like you're just another notch on his bedpost (and don't get me wrong guys, girls look at you that way too...). There's people who like you and people who don't. People who have good intentions and those with bad.

However, I don't know which is which yet. I'm so set in my thinking that no one is thinking about me or looking at me or even paying attention to me, that I'm literally shocked when people come up to me that I've never even seen before in my life and know my name. I don't know that the guy who is telling me I'm a very beautiful woman is decent... though I will say he's probably not cause my "B.S. I wanna get laid" detector is on most of the time...

100 is a lot of pounds. If I could only have shed my insecurities the way that I shed those pounds, maybe I would be able to tell the good attention from the bad attention and be able to be more aware of myself in a more secure way, instead of the insecure way I know that I am aware of myself in.

Then again, maybe it's those insecurities that ground me and make me human... I'm confident, but not cocky because I do have my insecurities... I just thank God for this time and change in my life, and I know there's more to come, I'm just waiting for it... I've been in line for this roller coaster ride for a while now, I'm ready for it to come and take me away.

Love for my Body

About a year ago I saw a contest online for Body by Victoria's Secret, it asked people to describe what they loved about their body, and then whichever essay won, the writer would win a trip to NYC and a bunch of Vickie's Secret stuff... well I didn't enter that contest, and this post isn't to say that I won anything. In fact, I never even entered that contest. I did think about what I'd write however, and though I didn't write it then, I figure since I feel so gross right now, that I keep thinking I hate my body, it might be a pick me up to write about what I do like.

Consider this step one in my "recovery" process.

My body never ceases to amaze me. I've lost almost 100 pounds, and though I don't know quite exactly how it happened, it did. My body moves in ways that I don't even understand half the time and I don't think I'll ever NOT be shocked as to what comes next. My body has changed and reshaped itself in the last year so much so that most people who haven't seen me in that long question whether I'm the same person at all. My body shields me, protects me. Most of the time my body is the only thing I have. It sends off languages that even I don't understand or rightly interpret half the time, which if it weren't for my body's ability to kick some but and send off the right signal at the right time, could end badly. My body is strong, and able to endure the pressure that I put it under and take the abuse of dancing for hours on end. Mostly, I love that one day, though I hate to admit even wanting it, my body will do the seemingly impossible and create another human being, of course with the help of a guy (who's body has yet to be seen, but, Dear God, if I have any say in the matter please let him look like Joe Manganiello!)...

All in all I am happy with my body, what it has become, and I need to remind myself that I do indeed like myself, that I like my body. Maybe that will help me overcome the things I don't like, or at least help me to change them.