You should just take the advice of the book.

so "He's Just Not That Into You." it's a good book, and I'm fearing it's totally true in my case. However I seem to want to refuse this logic. I seem to want to just hope for the best. I'm getting nowhere, and getting nothing. It's like this insane montage of all the moments we've shared together is rolling before my eyes, and I'm trying to analyze all of them, to see if there is something I missed. I really want to just tell him... just flat out tell him, and hope for the best. Does God test vulnerability? Because if He does, I'm pretty sure, this is one of His tests.

when all the frustration is stripped away, I know that there is a heart that only longs to worship Him. I know this. In my heart, I want to seek Him first... I want to be okay on my own, and I feel really guilty everytime I ask Him to bring a man into my life. I know that there are so many things He is trying to teach me right now, and I know patience is one of the ongoing ones. I feel so ready to move past this time in my life defined by my singleness. However, here I am, here I sit, half the time feeling more alone than ever because I know what I want and don't have it. so I let the tears fall, and they come like a storm cloud covering a sunny day, sad and beautiful, and cleansing.

I think the worst part, is I have confidence. I know I'm not ugly, I know I'm not stupid, I know I'm not one of the annoying girls, and I'm not so high maintenence that it's a pain in the rear. I don't understand why a guy wouldn't want to be with me. I mean, not to sound cocky, not to sound like a witch, but I mean I think I'm pretty special and I'm sure God does too, so I ask why, with how great I am, and how great God thinks I am, am I still alone? A year ago I would have said that I'm still alone because God wants me all to himself, and I'm sure partially that's right, but sitting from my perspective, I see that I've asked God to take this desire to be loved by a man away, that if that's not the plan he's got for me, to just take it away. Yet it simmers cooly on the back burner most of the time, and recently with this wonderful (I say that dripping with sarcasm, because it's not so wonderful liking someone who doesn't like you back) crush I've got, it's been on the front burners, on high... boiling away, and making me crazy!

I feel like before, when I had my stupid school girl crush, a) it was based soley on looks, and b) I knew it wouldn't go anywhere... but most importantly, c) when I finally found out he didn't feel the same way, it helped a lot... it helped me to just forget it... it helped me to just put it past me and move on. Here and now, I feel like the only way I'm going to find out anything is if I move, and I don't think that's ideal here... I want to be pursued!!! I want him to want me, and as I say that, I feel like that's never going to happen...

Lord, open my eyes, and help me to see You. I pray for the man I will marry, I pray I will meet him soon... I'm getting so sick of being alone.

the way I see it.

I'm sitting here, and I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

I get like this every once in a while where it just kills me. I see someone looking at someone like they're the one person in life that can make them smile like that. I used to want to capture that, as a photographer.

What am I living for? The desire for something that never comes doesn't fade though I ask it to be taken from me, and I keep finding myself liking men that would never be interested in me, and at twenty-four when you've never been in a relationship, and you're sitting there asking when? and your question isn't answered...

some days, the frustration is too much to handle... too much to keep in... and sometimes escaping it is the only way that I can get through it. and escaping it is the last thing I need... escaping the feeling that you're a big failure.

and still letting the lie hurt you when you know it's a lie isn't so hard to do, because even if you admit to yourself it's a lie, it's still something that gets to you...

God, I am so tired of waiting... I'm so tired of this; I feel so inadequate, so unworthy. I know these are lies, lies from the pit of hell, but they permeate so deeply because they are seemingly demonstrated in my life all the time... I'm never what anyone is looking for... and I'm never what they need. The lie that there is no man out there who could or will love me, it's so deeply rooted, and it's so there. I have yet to be pursued, and the older I get I keep asking why? where? when? and it's so damn frustrating, and you know it. I keep asking for your provision of patience for your peace about this... I need you God! I need to not feel unrequited... To not feel like I'm here, alone, forever.

Just when you think you're so sure of yourself...

Something happens and you start questioning yourself again.

Which is better: a strong and fast flame, or a slow burning long lasting fire? I'm sitting here thinking, the later.

God's grace is sufficient. The other day, I was blessed with stumbling upon this verse: "But I am like an olive tree flourishin in the house of God; I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever. I will praise you for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good I will praise you in the presence of your saints." Psalm 52:8-9

Help me to put you first. Help me to see the beauty in everyday things. Open my eyes to you. Help me to get that feel back, that feel for showing people the little things that matter to you. Help me to be a woman worthy of pursuit by a man you deem to be worthy of me... That's gotta be one awesome guy!

I wait paitently.

The Oceans Tide

God is soooooooo stinking good to me.

I spent today at the beach. Asking him to meet me there, I grabbed my bible, my journal, and Captivating by John and Stasi Eledridge. This book has changed little facets of my life, it has shown me what I need to deal with as a woman, with my issues with my mom, and my confusion with my dad.

Anyways, today, I took to the Lord, my question about the crush I've got, a man who is so very kind, funny, good looking, adventerous, and from all angles I keep feeling like he's just not the man for me. And earlier today, I was visited with a thought: "Why settle for the river, when the Ocean is waiting?" You see, I can't really describe this well... it's very hard to do so. But I will say I've always been a deeply emotional person. I've got passion ooozing from my ears, and maybe that is what frightens men about me. But I know that being such a passionate person, I can't expect any less in my future husband. He will have to be as passionate, if not more so than me. The idea of the ocean comes in here, the ocean is a passionate, cruel mistress, what river has a hurricane? There may be rapids, but never a driving wind and rain that whips it into a fury.

Think about it in the way of ships and boats. Rivers are rarely very deep, and therefore, most of the vesels on rivers are shallow bottomed, if they were any deeper, they would run aground. Yet, the ocean is fathoms deep, not all of it's deeps have been explored, the ships on the ocean have huge hulls to take the brunt of a crashing wave. I am a sea faring vessel, place me in a river, and it's risky, there's a high chance that I will ground out and be stranded. A river needs a riverboat. What riverboat would survive the crashing tide? Not a one.

So God is good. He proves he loves us by showing us that yes, the things you want are out there...

The second thought that came to me today was "The river runs to the ocean." And let me say, that is the most beautiful thought that I could ever have... because it's like a promise from God almost that I won't be waiting forever like I previously thought. Soon, I will reach the oceans shore. I could do a jig, I'm so happy!