Am I wrong for waiting?
Am I wrong for dreaming?
What is your will for me God?
If it's true that we look at you through the lense of our earthly father, right now I'm looking at you as an angry man, a man I adore, but don't get because no matter what you're saying one thing and showing me another... you love me you're proud of me... but I'm not seeing that... it's the actions that speak louder than words... Abba, show me!!! Show me you! Show me where to go. Show me how to get there. I am on my knees BEGGING... pleading with you to finally show me you love me, show me you're proud... it's all I ask... I don't want anything... just you to take my hand and show me where to go. If I am wrong, If I am not following you by waiting, show me! Point it out... is my father screaming in my face, pounding his fist showing me? God, where do I go?
Open my eyes.
I need something better... I need help. I need you... God, if you're carrying me, why can't I feel you. I just want you to hold me... show me everything is going to be alright... show me that this isn't going to last forever... it's moments like this that it's hard to believe your word, that you do have a plan and a future and a hope for me... because I can't see it, and it's still hidden underneath your veil... Dry my tears, because they're not helping anything...
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Who's Kissing You Tonight
this song, by Jason Aldean... really good, but I'm thinking I want to write a response entitled "it could be you."
Anyways, my frustration continues... I want to cry out, "when will you pursue me!? when do I get to be the princess pursued?" my heart is hurting with all these tears and fears and just plain worry that I'm never going to be pursued. And in the silence, there's a voice that says, I'm pursuing you, and I want to believe it, I hear him, but it's not the kind of pursuit I want, not the right pursuer... so I ache and ignore it. He loves me. He really does, there is no question. And he chases me with fervor and passion and love... but in my heart while I know that he is the only one that can ever heal me, fill me, or ever put the pieces of my broken heart back together, I still run away from him and hope for him to send someone, a man in his stead. Yet my prince on a white horse is no where near, because what prince would approach a princess that is being pursued by a king??? That would be like suicide, in the order of things...
Anyways, my frustration continues... I want to cry out, "when will you pursue me!? when do I get to be the princess pursued?" my heart is hurting with all these tears and fears and just plain worry that I'm never going to be pursued. And in the silence, there's a voice that says, I'm pursuing you, and I want to believe it, I hear him, but it's not the kind of pursuit I want, not the right pursuer... so I ache and ignore it. He loves me. He really does, there is no question. And he chases me with fervor and passion and love... but in my heart while I know that he is the only one that can ever heal me, fill me, or ever put the pieces of my broken heart back together, I still run away from him and hope for him to send someone, a man in his stead. Yet my prince on a white horse is no where near, because what prince would approach a princess that is being pursued by a king??? That would be like suicide, in the order of things...
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Wednesday 1am
God,
I can’t wait!
I was thinking about it today, and I just got all excited!
You’ve got a man out there for me. Somewhere. Waiting. And I was thinking about all the things I don’t want to wait to do with him. It’s going to be amazing. Sunday mornings for one! Getting to make love with him, in a way only meant for husbands and wives to experience, and then going to worship you, and thank you for the very love you give us, and allow us to share. How awesome is that going to be? I can’t fathom how wonderful a day started out that way would feel.
I can’t help thinking about all the celebrations of the little things in life. Like an anniversary or a birthday, I can’t wait to celebrate the little things in life. A Friday night with friends or a rare week vacation to just be lazy and enjoy each other, soaking in glances and shared moments of joy. The touch of skin on skin… And eventually, the joy of children, watching them grow, and raising them to love you.
God there is a man out there, you handpicked for me. He is out there, somewhere, and I can’t wait to meet him, can’t wait to know who he is, and to know him so well, to share myself with him. To be patient and loving and understand when I need to back off. I find the moments like this in my singleness where I get to thank you for what will be, amazing, beautiful and far between. I don’t need to worry about it, because it will happen in your time. You’ve shown me that there are men out there that are kind and funny, who are hard working, generous, and have a servant’s heart. Even if it’s just one man that I’ve met like that, I know that there has to be at least one more out there, because the one I’ve met may not be mine.
I know my issues, and I am ready, God, for there to be someone else in this relationship besides you and me, but if your will be that he doesn’t show up for a longer while still, then together you and me will be, and I’ll wait, while growing in you, because that’s the patient obedient thing to do. I’ll stand here with my heart held open and my lips singing the song that you give me to sing.
I pray you’d watch over the man that is to be the winner of my love. I pray you’d guard his heart, and mine, from things in this world that would rather see us apart, that you would bring us together in your time, at the perfect point in your song, your score, your play. That love would not awaken or stir until you say so. I pray that we would seek you continually, both separately and together.
Hold me close while I wait, it is getting longer, and harder to wait without growing bitter. Hold the enemy away from me. Help me to focus on the joy that will come, instead of the pain felt now, because I know beauty comes through pain. That in the end I will have a better knowledge of myself; I will have a better knowledge of you, and also be able to understand my husband all the better. Thank you, for loving me enough to allow me glimpses into how it might be. I praise you for your utter authority, and grant you the authority to work in my life. I trust you to be the keeper of my life, and you won’t hurt me or forsake me. I pray that I could always remember that small fact.
Amen.
I can’t wait!
I was thinking about it today, and I just got all excited!
You’ve got a man out there for me. Somewhere. Waiting. And I was thinking about all the things I don’t want to wait to do with him. It’s going to be amazing. Sunday mornings for one! Getting to make love with him, in a way only meant for husbands and wives to experience, and then going to worship you, and thank you for the very love you give us, and allow us to share. How awesome is that going to be? I can’t fathom how wonderful a day started out that way would feel.
I can’t help thinking about all the celebrations of the little things in life. Like an anniversary or a birthday, I can’t wait to celebrate the little things in life. A Friday night with friends or a rare week vacation to just be lazy and enjoy each other, soaking in glances and shared moments of joy. The touch of skin on skin… And eventually, the joy of children, watching them grow, and raising them to love you.
God there is a man out there, you handpicked for me. He is out there, somewhere, and I can’t wait to meet him, can’t wait to know who he is, and to know him so well, to share myself with him. To be patient and loving and understand when I need to back off. I find the moments like this in my singleness where I get to thank you for what will be, amazing, beautiful and far between. I don’t need to worry about it, because it will happen in your time. You’ve shown me that there are men out there that are kind and funny, who are hard working, generous, and have a servant’s heart. Even if it’s just one man that I’ve met like that, I know that there has to be at least one more out there, because the one I’ve met may not be mine.
I know my issues, and I am ready, God, for there to be someone else in this relationship besides you and me, but if your will be that he doesn’t show up for a longer while still, then together you and me will be, and I’ll wait, while growing in you, because that’s the patient obedient thing to do. I’ll stand here with my heart held open and my lips singing the song that you give me to sing.
I pray you’d watch over the man that is to be the winner of my love. I pray you’d guard his heart, and mine, from things in this world that would rather see us apart, that you would bring us together in your time, at the perfect point in your song, your score, your play. That love would not awaken or stir until you say so. I pray that we would seek you continually, both separately and together.
Hold me close while I wait, it is getting longer, and harder to wait without growing bitter. Hold the enemy away from me. Help me to focus on the joy that will come, instead of the pain felt now, because I know beauty comes through pain. That in the end I will have a better knowledge of myself; I will have a better knowledge of you, and also be able to understand my husband all the better. Thank you, for loving me enough to allow me glimpses into how it might be. I praise you for your utter authority, and grant you the authority to work in my life. I trust you to be the keeper of my life, and you won’t hurt me or forsake me. I pray that I could always remember that small fact.
Amen.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Sappy Country Love Songs
I'm fit to be in a mood.
It's been a while since I've felt like this and I am not handling it well. I feel like a stupid girl. Like I need to watch my back... like at any moment, he could come around and hear me talking about him. It's a sad sad situation, and I'll tell you why... because I've been in this situation before, I liked a guy, he didn't like me, and I should've known that, but I didn't... I kept thinking it would just happen. I'm not allowing something for myself, that I want so bad it hurts, but I'm not willing to go after it... does that even make sense??? it's like anorexia, of the heart...
The question I want an answer to is does he feel the same? goodness! I'm done thinking about this right now.
It's been a while since I've felt like this and I am not handling it well. I feel like a stupid girl. Like I need to watch my back... like at any moment, he could come around and hear me talking about him. It's a sad sad situation, and I'll tell you why... because I've been in this situation before, I liked a guy, he didn't like me, and I should've known that, but I didn't... I kept thinking it would just happen. I'm not allowing something for myself, that I want so bad it hurts, but I'm not willing to go after it... does that even make sense??? it's like anorexia, of the heart...
The question I want an answer to is does he feel the same? goodness! I'm done thinking about this right now.
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