I wrote a song...

It's not that good, but it's how I feel...

There was a time in my life, where I felt exactly like I do right now, like I'm so fed up with living the way I know is right, I'm praying, I'm turning to God's word, and there is still this pain, this longing that won't go away, no matter how much I remind myself He loves me and has a plan and a purpose for me. No matter how I turn to Him in praise, in petitions, I feel like He has turned a deaf ear to me.

And right now, in the midst of my defeat, when I feel like He is ignoring me the most, I know that going down the road I did before is NOT the answer, so I boldly place my fears and my tears before Him (and to help knock down another of my walls, before you), and I say I know You're the only way out of this, God, but that doesn't change that this is how I feel right now. I REFUSE to become the girl I was before... I REFUSE to drink my pain away again like I did before. I will take the lesson from my past mistake and take the much more painful, but in the end much more rewarding road of turning to You instead of turning to myself, and my means and dumbing down the pain with partying, drinking, and meaningless kisses.

But again... don't judge this please... And those who know how far I've come since I was here before please pray for strength to deal with the pain that comes with chosing His way.

(and this might sound retarded, but in my head this song is Evanescence meets Paramore meets Alison Krause in "Whiskey Lullaby")

Numb it down
I don't wanna hurt this way
Cuz feeling like this
can suck the life right out
of a girl who wants
so much more
than used up words
broken promises and
pain.

I wanna drink it away
blow away the pain
with a blast from a bottle
that will make me feel "normal"
but I know that goin' down that road
won't cure this
pain

Desensitize
I don't wanna think anymore
about what I'm missing
but it's all a lie
and the spears come out
and pierce my heart
and cause so much
pain

I wanna drink it away
blow away the pain
with a blast from a bottle
that will make me feel "normal"
but I know that goin' down that road
won't cure this pain

I've been there before,
and I came right back
I won't be filled,
nothing I've tried can cure it

and I've lost all hope and
considered going back
but here's the thing
I know that won't help
God, You're the only cure to this
pain.

Irrational Fears

I have this fear that I'm going to die alone.

I'm 24, I've never been in a relationship... I'm deathly afraid I never will be.

Scared to death that the gift of singleness is my greatest gift...

I think I'm pretty normal. I may tend to put my heart out on my sleeve a bit too much, and say the wrong thing at the wrong time, to the wrong person, but other than that, I'd say I'm kinda average.

The fear of dying alone... is it so irrational? I mean look at me and tell me I'm not crazy. I seem to always get the wrong idea when it comes to this...

On the one hand, I feel like if I just have that much more faith, if I just truly believe that God is gonna do it without doubting it'll happen, it'll one day happen. Everyone says it'll happen when you least expect it. Everyone says that when you're happy with yourself, you can find what you're looking for. Others say, God will bless those who are faithful.

I stopped expecting anything a while ago... I'm pretty freaking happy with myself, I've lost 46 pounds, and I feel amazing! I also feel like my faith has trippled in the last year, I KNOW God works miracles...

But still I've sat here and struggled with this issue, and I'm trying to be patient... I've been here, praying and thinking so much about how MUCH it just DOESN'T matter... I think I've written at least a hundred pages asking God for a provision of His patience, and I keep telling myself, reminding myself, that it will happen in God's timing...

I've even been proven wrong. I always baffled at God, that the kind of man I have prayed for for so long didn't exist, that he was no where to be found, and then He goes and proves me wrong...
when I least expected it...
and then reminds me it's not time yet...

I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING, "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?" at the top of my lungs into the night, at the waxing moon... into the clouds that I just wish would open up and rain down on me...

"RELENT, O LORD! HOW LONG WILL IT BE? HAVE COMPASSION ON YOUR SERVANTS." (Psalm 90:13)

I pray this, I pray this with the knowledge that your testing will only make me stronger. But I pray for you to relent. I am stretched and I know you won't give me more than I can handle, but I am at the breaking point. I as for the desires of my heart and I pray in Your Mercy and Compassion you would grant me them. I ask how long it will be because I have been waiting for some sign that this trial, while a gift, of singleness would be over because most of the time it feels like torture. God, I pray that wherever my future husband is, whoever he may be, that you'd watch over him and hold him. I pray you'd introduce us soon. God I pray that he loves You! Oh that he's so in love with YOU! I pray for the strength to wait, because it's so hard!