Declares the LORD.
I believe this. Yet, I'm trying to control it.
At times like these, where it's late, my mind is tired, and I'm struggling to think, and I have many thoughts in my head, it becomes easy to question the next part of the verse. "Plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." It becomes so easy when I wonder, how in the midst of this will I EVER prosper, I'm in debt up to my ears with student loans, and where is this future? WHAT is this future?
Yes, God knows... often, I feel like that isn't enough. Like I need to know where I'm going. It sounds so faithless, so cold, so cruel, out there like that, but it's how I feel, even if I know it's not right, that it is enough for God to know and me to not know.
So how do I move on with this? How in the world, does my faith get stronger when I question what God is doing, and question whether He does know best? Plain and simple, it doesn't. My faith, it's so central to who I am, yet I falter at it. I question the founder of my faith, and I wonder how things can get better when I don't see clear direction, even though I'm seeking it. If it's there, am I just ignoring it? Lord, clear my thoughts, and make your thoughts for me known to me.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
The Thoughts I Have for You...
I have a lot of thoughts. Many of which, don't get made much of. Most of which wind up in a journal that gets tossed in a corner with all the other journals that are full of thoughts that no longer need to be thought because, well plainly, I'm no longer sixteen. I haven't been sixteen for a long time.
I was in the garage today going through an old dresser and found a box full of notes from friends that were tied to flowers, that have long since died, given to me at my high school performances whether it be choir or all those times they put me in the chorus. I found a letter that I wrote in that box that is addressed to my future husband. I was 18 when I wrote it. The sad part is, I thought by now a man would have read this, that I wouldn't be sitting here, almost 24 wondering what my path in life is. Wondering what God is doing now that will manifest itself down the road, and when I finally get there, all of this, the waiting, the lonlieness, the quiet, will all make sense. It's almost like the calm before the storm, a little, not much, but a little.
Back to my letter.
It made me feel like I was going to cry (something I told myself a year ago I would not do much of because I hate feeling like I'm wallowing in self-pity over this), but I laugh at how often I say I don't know this man. How oblivious I am to his existence, stating often, IF he exists.
God is good. This I know.
In other less "emotional" thoughts...
Tonight at church, they launched a week of awakening, a week in which they called the church body to pray for direction within the church, and also their lives. Todd Proctor, the lead pastor at RockHarbor talked about it a lot tonight, and something he said really sparked something within me. He was talking about how RockHarbor has so many young people that attend, and that my generation really makes a difference in the congregation, and the community. It rang with things that I've been thinking for a week. Things about my generation, and what God wants to do within our ranks to reach our parents' generation, and how we should lead when once our parents are no longer in power. I keep thinking about what it's going to look like when there are so many believers that assume power, not by seeking it out but by having it fall in their laps (scared to death that one day I might be one of them). I think about how we all respond to things in our culture, especially politics. I think about how you can't seperate your faith from politics if you're looking through Jesus' eyes and using His Word as your guide. How there is really no one single party that represents ideals that I find important. I wonder how we can call ourselves Christian and exclude and tear down people different from us. How people generally view Christians as closed minded and hypocritical. I could go on and on, but I'll just point you to the book UnChristian, which I've read part of, but loved what I've read (I just couldn't finish it because when I got it I had just finished 15 units of all political science classes and that book felt like yet another school book... I suck... yes, I know). I just think how much more my generation was meant for than being obsessed with ourselves like the generation of our parents. I want to reject everything that our parent's generation stands for and go my own way. I want to go the way of God.
I have so much more to say, and I will say it... I just need to let it simmer in my skull for a bit and make it a bit more logical, less emotional, because what I want to say could change a lot. It might be like sitting down and writing an opinion piece that comes straight from my heart, or looking up a bunch of facts and figures and writing something that looks like a paper for school, but still has heart and truth and the idea that Jesus has more for my generation, more for me than the mediocrity that I'm in right now. God will be brought the glory, God will be praised, and God will lead us to what He has for us. I can't wait.
I was in the garage today going through an old dresser and found a box full of notes from friends that were tied to flowers, that have long since died, given to me at my high school performances whether it be choir or all those times they put me in the chorus. I found a letter that I wrote in that box that is addressed to my future husband. I was 18 when I wrote it. The sad part is, I thought by now a man would have read this, that I wouldn't be sitting here, almost 24 wondering what my path in life is. Wondering what God is doing now that will manifest itself down the road, and when I finally get there, all of this, the waiting, the lonlieness, the quiet, will all make sense. It's almost like the calm before the storm, a little, not much, but a little.
Back to my letter.
It made me feel like I was going to cry (something I told myself a year ago I would not do much of because I hate feeling like I'm wallowing in self-pity over this), but I laugh at how often I say I don't know this man. How oblivious I am to his existence, stating often, IF he exists.
God is good. This I know.
In other less "emotional" thoughts...
Tonight at church, they launched a week of awakening, a week in which they called the church body to pray for direction within the church, and also their lives. Todd Proctor, the lead pastor at RockHarbor talked about it a lot tonight, and something he said really sparked something within me. He was talking about how RockHarbor has so many young people that attend, and that my generation really makes a difference in the congregation, and the community. It rang with things that I've been thinking for a week. Things about my generation, and what God wants to do within our ranks to reach our parents' generation, and how we should lead when once our parents are no longer in power. I keep thinking about what it's going to look like when there are so many believers that assume power, not by seeking it out but by having it fall in their laps (scared to death that one day I might be one of them). I think about how we all respond to things in our culture, especially politics. I think about how you can't seperate your faith from politics if you're looking through Jesus' eyes and using His Word as your guide. How there is really no one single party that represents ideals that I find important. I wonder how we can call ourselves Christian and exclude and tear down people different from us. How people generally view Christians as closed minded and hypocritical. I could go on and on, but I'll just point you to the book UnChristian, which I've read part of, but loved what I've read (I just couldn't finish it because when I got it I had just finished 15 units of all political science classes and that book felt like yet another school book... I suck... yes, I know). I just think how much more my generation was meant for than being obsessed with ourselves like the generation of our parents. I want to reject everything that our parent's generation stands for and go my own way. I want to go the way of God.
I have so much more to say, and I will say it... I just need to let it simmer in my skull for a bit and make it a bit more logical, less emotional, because what I want to say could change a lot. It might be like sitting down and writing an opinion piece that comes straight from my heart, or looking up a bunch of facts and figures and writing something that looks like a paper for school, but still has heart and truth and the idea that Jesus has more for my generation, more for me than the mediocrity that I'm in right now. God will be brought the glory, God will be praised, and God will lead us to what He has for us. I can't wait.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
the wheels turn, still nothing happens.
I've come to this point in my life where I'll be sitting there, and I'll get an idea. Not a crappy idea, not an okay idea, but a GREAT idea. So I will sit there, and I'll think about it for a while, and then I'll forget about it. The smart thing to do would be to carry around a notebook and pen everywhere I go. Of course, I do, it's just that it never seems to be near whenever I actually have an idea come to me.
I feel pathetic.
I feel lazy.
I feel like I'm not doing something I should be doing, and yet, I feel like I'm waiting and that's the best thing that I can do right now. Like waiting is more important than moving on. Like waiting is the best thing I can do to keep my sanity.
Then again, maybe I'm just scared.
If I change one thing, doesn't everything thereafter change?
Why does it feel so hard? It feels like there is nothing more I can do. Like there is nothing more to my life than this... that's how it feels that's not how it is. What if I'm just too scared. Where is this going? What am I going to do in the future?
I keep reminding myself, don't worry, that God will take care of me... I can't see past my own fears... I know he's going to. I know that something will happen, I know that it's got to change.
Do I get another job? Do I go back to school? Do I look for a job? Do I go do temp work? What to do!?
I don't care about money, I don't care about status, I don't care about anything but bringing Glory to God, blessing Him because He blessed me so greatly, but I don't know how to do that.
The guy who spoke at church this week was talking about Galations 1:16 when Paul says "so that I might preach him among the Gentiles..." And he asked us how we would finish that statement... "So that I might..." and I thought about it. I couldn't come up with anything. I don't know what I might do for Him... God has blessed me with gifts and talents, he has given me specific skills that I will use one day, but half the journey to using those is knowing what they are, and knowing how to use them. I have no idea how God wants me to use my talents/gifts/strengths...
I ramble, but it's true. How can you be used when you don't know how to be used.
You want to know something crazy? I've always looked up to women like Nancy Reagan, Laura Bush, Elizabeth Dole, Hillary Clinton, and many other women who have the power to change things and do even if only a little at a time, or as small as teaching a young kid to read or changing the world as big as being the first "viable" female candidate for President in the United States. I look up to Margaret Thatcher, because she was strong and determined. I can't remember her name, but the Prime Minister of Israel in the 1970's... she was a stron woman. Even now, this Sarah Palin, I admire her because she is a mom, she is a woman, and she wants to change things... Help people and change things. I always wanted to be a woman that people could look up to, if only to ignite change in this flawed world, if only to help bring to light, and into people's conciousness what else is going on out there. I'm helpless to know how I could become that, but I hope that someday I can be that.
Someday, I hope to not feel stuck, I hope to not feel like I'm not doing anything to change the lives of people around me, and I hope that maybe this rambling will come back to me when I'm older and I'll look at it and laugh because all I wanted finally happened... But for now, I must remember to trust God, and look to Him... I can't go on without him...
I feel pathetic.
I feel lazy.
I feel like I'm not doing something I should be doing, and yet, I feel like I'm waiting and that's the best thing that I can do right now. Like waiting is more important than moving on. Like waiting is the best thing I can do to keep my sanity.
Then again, maybe I'm just scared.
If I change one thing, doesn't everything thereafter change?
Why does it feel so hard? It feels like there is nothing more I can do. Like there is nothing more to my life than this... that's how it feels that's not how it is. What if I'm just too scared. Where is this going? What am I going to do in the future?
I keep reminding myself, don't worry, that God will take care of me... I can't see past my own fears... I know he's going to. I know that something will happen, I know that it's got to change.
Do I get another job? Do I go back to school? Do I look for a job? Do I go do temp work? What to do!?
I don't care about money, I don't care about status, I don't care about anything but bringing Glory to God, blessing Him because He blessed me so greatly, but I don't know how to do that.
The guy who spoke at church this week was talking about Galations 1:16 when Paul says "so that I might preach him among the Gentiles..." And he asked us how we would finish that statement... "So that I might..." and I thought about it. I couldn't come up with anything. I don't know what I might do for Him... God has blessed me with gifts and talents, he has given me specific skills that I will use one day, but half the journey to using those is knowing what they are, and knowing how to use them. I have no idea how God wants me to use my talents/gifts/strengths...
I ramble, but it's true. How can you be used when you don't know how to be used.
You want to know something crazy? I've always looked up to women like Nancy Reagan, Laura Bush, Elizabeth Dole, Hillary Clinton, and many other women who have the power to change things and do even if only a little at a time, or as small as teaching a young kid to read or changing the world as big as being the first "viable" female candidate for President in the United States. I look up to Margaret Thatcher, because she was strong and determined. I can't remember her name, but the Prime Minister of Israel in the 1970's... she was a stron woman. Even now, this Sarah Palin, I admire her because she is a mom, she is a woman, and she wants to change things... Help people and change things. I always wanted to be a woman that people could look up to, if only to ignite change in this flawed world, if only to help bring to light, and into people's conciousness what else is going on out there. I'm helpless to know how I could become that, but I hope that someday I can be that.
Someday, I hope to not feel stuck, I hope to not feel like I'm not doing anything to change the lives of people around me, and I hope that maybe this rambling will come back to me when I'm older and I'll look at it and laugh because all I wanted finally happened... But for now, I must remember to trust God, and look to Him... I can't go on without him...
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